What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Author: admin
The Golden Saloon
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he’s been out jumping new bones.”Where the hell you been all night?”she demands.”At this fantastic new saloon,” he says.”The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.””Bullshit! There’s no such place!” Guy says, “Sure there is! Joint’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man’s story.”Is this the Golden Saloon?”she asks when the bartender answers the phone.”Yes it is,” bartender answers.”Do you have huge golden doors?””Sure do.””Do you have golden floors?””Most certainly do.””What about golden urinals?”There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,”Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
Monica's Dry Cle
One day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee “I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didn’t understand her so he said “come again?” to which Monica replied “NO!, its white-out!!!”
20 Types of Blokes at the Urinal
1) Excitable — Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable — Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed — Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid — Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent — All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever — No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried — Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous — Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded — Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish — Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky — Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient — Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate — Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough — Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient — Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat — Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little — Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk — Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled — Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited — Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
Legs
What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?
Nothing, they have never met.
Woodchuck Chuck Wood
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could
chuck wood.
Signs your cow has mad-cow disease.
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Archs Logo’.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bullseye”!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
When there are sufficient funds
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
Rectum Wins
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.”
All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!
Bass joke
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
A man died
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he
passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a
lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
“That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”
“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to
question that woman’s punishment?”