Author: admin

Wrong place

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, “Wait a second! You’re in the wrong place! Beat it!”

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there’s running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”

“Oh, yeah?” the Devil replies. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

No Jews

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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ‘Sorry, no room. The hotel is
full.’ The Jewish lady said, ‘But your sign says that you have vacancies.’ The
desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ‘You know that we do not admit Jews.
Now if you will try the other side of town…’

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, ‘I’ll have you know I converted
to your religion.’

The desk clerk said, ‘Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem.’

‘Very good,’ replied the hotel clerk. ‘Tell me more.’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born in a manger.’

‘That’s right,’ said the hotel clerk. ‘And why was he born in a manger?’

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ‘Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!’

Sharing on the train

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman

BAD BAD JOKE

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This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night. They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire “What can I getcha?” The 1st vampire says “I’ll have a beer, please” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender asks the 2nd vampire “What would you like?” The vampire replies “A beer please.” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire “Sir, what can I get you?” and the 3rd vampire replies “A cup of hot water please.” The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, “What are you gonna do with that hot water?” The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says “Hot tea, it’s chilly out!”

Appliance Store

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A blonde walks in to an appliance store and says to the sales man Hi i would like to buy that Tv!
He Replies I’m sorry but i don’t sell to blondes!

So she goes out and dyes her hair brown and then goes back to the store and says to the sales man Hi i would like to buy that Tv Please,

He says to her I’m sorry but i dont sell to blondes,

She looks at him and asks “how did you know that i was blonde?

He says because thats a microwave!

“

Kids answers

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(As answered by elementary school students)

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

– Ricky, age 10

You Have The Brakes

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A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two?

Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Feeding A Gorilla

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There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and for all of its life, he’d never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can’t I touch its fur?” as there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn�t understand until, about a week later, he�d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape wild and started to jump around, then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else�s sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alley-way, then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape.

As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You�re it!”