Q:What time is it in India?
A:Seven Eleven on the Dot
Author: admin
Just a memory!
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says…
“How soon do you have to know?”
Some funny things to do to someone when they’re sl
1) Open their mouth discretley, either put tonic water or sea
salt in their mouth. Then sit down and wtahc they spit in horror.
2)Get a glass of warm water and spill some on their pants. Wkae
them up and make a disgusted face.
3) Put some shaving cream in someone’s hand and tickle their
nose. They’ll smack their face to itch it and get the shaving
cream in their face.
4)Put an ice cube on their stomach or back and leave it their.
Watch them get up and scream!!
5)Roll someone off the bed and hide. Once they get back on th
bed, keep poking at them, hiding (repeat).
6)Roll a person so their facing the ceiling. Either tie them
down with rope or something and then scream loudly, “FIRE! GET
OUT!” and watch them squirm….
7)Start whsipering in someone’s ear disturbing things.. (this
one gets pretty funny…)
Two women were knitting away one day. They…
Two women were knitting away one day. They were both pregnant. the first one said, i hope i have a boy. the other one says, why? and she says, because i`m knitting a blue jumper! The second one says, i hope i have a spastic! the other says, why? and she says, cause i just fucked up the arms!!!
Making Candles
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.”Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.””Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!””Not so,” replied the other captain.”After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!””You sick bastard,” replied the cop.”Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?””Sure,” said the captain.”What about ’em?!””Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”
Flower Flub-o-rama
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I
also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. The Flower Shop got
the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said,
”RIP”, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, ”I know it’s hot
where you’re going, but you deserve it.”
Bad boy
One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.
1st he went to his Brother and asked “Could you give me a spelling word?” His Brother answered “ShutUp” So he wrote down Shutup.
2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered “Certainly” He wrote down certinly.
3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.
4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered “In my Little Blue Car”
The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked “Do you want to go to the principles office?” He said is second word “Certainly”. In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered “Lolipop!!” Then the principal asked “What do you think your punishment should be?” The boy answered “To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!”
Three stupid men
There is one man that likes to pee out windows.There is another man that likes to chop off peoples weiners peeing out windows.The last man likes pickles.The first man was peeing out the window.The second man chopped off his weiner.The weiner fell in some green paint and splashed to the ground.The last man picked it up and said oh a pickle and……. ate it.
Another Chicken, Another Road
Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?
Monkey
Q. Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? A. He was dead!!!
NOTICE OF REVOCATION
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The right honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.”Merde” is French for “sh*t”.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us bonkers.Thank you for your co-operation.
Top 10 Things Hanson will do when they grow up
#10. Sit on corners and take money people give them to shut them up
#9. Be the next in line to have Michael Jackson’s baby
#8. “Would you like fries with that?”
#7. “Striptease II”
#6. G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)
#5. “Attention K-Mart shoppers, buy a box of kitty litter, and get a hanson CD free!”
#4. Host of MTV’s show “One Hit Wonders”
#3. Plugging the roly-kit, and acne staton on the “Home Shopping Network”
#2. Drinking, a lot of drinking
#1. Settle down, and just try to be good housewives