Author: admin

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor’s door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with “This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds”.

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can’t do the paper because you’re not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn’t retrieve the original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor’s desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can’t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a “need to know” basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an ‘A’.

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you’ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won’t see you until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it’s nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class.

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.I have been remiss in
writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,please sit
down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick
headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of
the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment
with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine
boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your
often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that
his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I
do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an
important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and
there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a ‘D’ in
History and an ‘F’ in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper
perspective.

Yours,
Your Loving Daughter.