Star Wars Ode to Y.O.D.A.

Y. O. D. A (To the Village People’s “Y. M. C. A”)

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be
HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don’t just stand in the rain!
You’re all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t
TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so, you’ll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A.
(repeat and fade).

El abuelo est� en el

El abuelo est� en el ba�o lavando al nietecito.

“Abuelo, �crees que yo tengo una buena pichurrilla?”

“Pues ver�s, no est� nada mal para tu edad”.

“�Cu�nto puede pesar m�s � menos, abuelito?”

“Calculo que unos 150 gramos”.

“�Y la de pap�? �Est� bien?”

“Hombre, tu padre es mayor, con m�s experiencia, m�s formado. Tampoco se puede quejar”.

“�Y cu�nto pesar� la suya?”.

“No sabr�a decirte. Alrededor de 300 gramos, m�s o menos”.

“�Y la tuya, abuelo, pesa mucho?”

“Ni te imaginas. �Entre tu abuela y yo no podemos levantarla!”

Tree Talk

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

Wizard Of Oz Film Flubs

I’m amazed more people haven’t spotted these film flubs:* Part of the movie is in black and white, then inadvertently goes to color, and then back to black and white! An obvious continuity gaffe.* Although the movie purports to be in Kansas, several scenes are obviously filmed on a Hollywood sound stage.* The scene where the teacher rides past Dorothy’s bedroom window in the midst of a tornado is physically impossible.* When the characters sing you can hear music accompanying them but there are no radios or musicians in the area!* For a land to exist “over the rainbow” it would have to be lighter than air, and as Dorothy was already shown to be composed of solid matter, how come she didn’t fall back down to earth?* Some of the so-called “munchkins” are obviously children wearing fake facial hair and grown up clothes.* The “yellow brick road” is not really yellow as much as it is golden. And there is some speculation that it isn’t really made of brick either. (Thanks to the International Brick Layers Union for providing that piece of information.)* Scarecrows are inanimate objects moved solely by the wind. They can not move at will, much less dance.* A “tin man” is a slang term for an aluminum siding salesman. The movie portrays the salesman as an actual tin man. And what’s with the ax? Someone in the research department should’ve gotten fired over this flub.* Lions growl. They do not talk. There is no recorded evidence of one talking, ever. Perhaps the filmmaker’s were thinking of the Biblical Balaam’s ass, which is the only recorded incident of an animal actually speaking coherent sentences.* Lions are also quadrupeds, meaning they walk on all fours. The “lion” in the movie is obviously a man in a suit trying to pass himself off as the real thing.* As for the ruby red slippers, well, despite the sure protestations from some of our lady-folk here, shoes do not have magical powers.* The witch views the goings on through her crystal ball. A purely fictional device. Obviously special effects created the scenes she was supposed to be watching in the ball. (Note: While there is a device on the market called “The Magic 8 Ball,” which is a genuine fortune telling device, this is not the type of ball employed in the scene just mentioned.)* Monkeys do not have wings, and cannot fly.* The witch flies on a broom and skywrites with it as well. Again, an invented fiction that would make Oliver Stone proud.* Trees cannot talk, nor can they “throw” apples. Once an apple is ripe, however, it may fall onto the ground directly beneath it.* Although there are many scenes with trees in them, not once does Toto mark his territory on them. This goes against common sense and ruins the believability of the movie.* For that matter no character in the entire movie goes to the bathroom. Although the “tin man” does leak at one point it’s tears that overflow, not urine.* Perhaps the biggest goof of all: Everything the characters went to the wizard to receive, THEY ALREADY HAD! The Scarecrow wanted a brain, YET HE DEVISED THE PLAN TO GET INTO THE CASTLE! The Tin Man wanted a heart YET HE CRIED TEARS OF SADNESS! The lion wanted courage, YET HE’S THE ONE WHO FOUGHT THE CROCODILES! (In an alternate, never-before-seen version currently in a locked vault in Ted Turner’s Montana ranch.)* Also, did anybody note that the same characters playing the tin man, scarecrow, lion, Mr. Oz, and the wicked witch, were also playing the farm hands, fortune teller and teacher? Obviously a sign of a low budget, since the meager makeup on their alternate characters wasn’t enough to make their faces look much different.* Continuity flub: At one point Toto is played by a small sheep, but only for a few frames. I forget which scene this is in, but once seen it’s obviously a sheep stand-in.

The Top 12 Signs This School Year is Going to Suck

12> Not being allowed to wear your black trench coat means you’ll have to try to look intimidating in a lavender ski jacket.

11> “Mike, report to Principal Kevorkian’s office.”

10> 10th grade sucked last year. 10th grade will probably suck again this year.

9> All the other third grade boys have a “Phantom Menace” lunchbox, but your mom decided to get you the more recent “Runaway Bride” lunchbox.

8> First-period P.E. with Mr. Torquemada and Mr. de Sade.

7> As you’re escorted from the metal detector to the strip search room you realize that this was not the ideal summer to have all that body piercing done.

6> Five more years till you can do it with Ms. LeTourneau again.

5> Your mom’s shopping habits, combined with a Sears clearance sale on Underroos, has left you in quite a locker room dilemma.

4> The female goatee just hasn’t caught on yet.

3> Your long-planned Kansas State Science Fair project on Australopithecus is going to get you burned as a witch.

2> Thanks to Hollywood, warm apple pie no longer on cafeteria menu.

1> 1600 on the PSATs and a National Merit Scholar as a junior and nobody knows who you are, but get drunk and have sex with just *one* goat at a party…

[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Knock Knock 188

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wafer!
Wafer who?
Wafer a long time but now I’m back!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wah!
Wah who?
Well you don’t have to get so excited about it!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Waiter!
Waiter who?
Waiter I get my hands on you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wallace!
Wallace who?
Wallace saying nasy things about you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Walnuts!
Walnuts who?
Walnuts around here!

Steak ‘n Eggs

There was this fried egg walking down the street in Havana

minding its own business. It hears some noise behind it,

turns around, and sees a crowd of hungry Cubans in the

distance bearing down on it.

It runs away as fast as its little fried egg legs will

go, when it sees a steak. It yells to the steak, “Run

away! Run away! They’ll get you too!” but the steak just

laughs and says, “Shit, they won’t even recognize me!”