Un marido llega tarde a casa y salta r�pidamente a la cama.
“D�jame tranquila”, dice su mujer. “Tengo dolor de cabeza.”
“Pero bueno, �qu� os pasa hoy a todas?”
Author: admin
Upgrading Boyfriend 5.0
Dear Tech Support:Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!Sincerely, XXXDear XXX:This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.TECH TIP!Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot accept new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Shit
Shit is a powerful word.
Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.
Washing Machine
What is the difference between a washing machine and a sorority girl?You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won’t follow you around for three weeks.
Q: How many programmers
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
Stupid Things to do at the dinner table
1. Start chewing with your mouth open and make really sick
noises. When your parents go “Stop chewing with your mouth
open!” Say that your jaw really hurts when you keep your mouth
closed for more than 2 seconds.
2. Ask your parents if you can have brocolli for desert. If
they say “Awww….isn’t that sweeet……..” say that you need
to eat healthy a night before you rob the bank. Heheheheheheheh.
3. Before dinner, ask if you can go out for dinner. If you
succeed, on the drive there, tell your parents that your friend
will be there because you are both going out on a date and she
can’t sit in the room near you two. Watch as your parents make a
U-Turn right there.
4. At the dinner table, secretly snatch the salad dressing from
the salad and replace it with seltzer water. Say “Mom, this
stuff tastes like bubbly soda. New recipe?”
5. Secretly snatch all the silverware from the silverware
cabinet. Tell your parents there is no need to worry, you
learned to make forks and spoons out of paper in art class.
Take some time to teach them.
6. Start a nice conversation. Suddenly go- “Ewwww…..something
smells………..its coming from the right side of the table.!”
Make sure somebody you hate is sitting in the table you say.
Then your parents will say “Just ignore it.” Than say: “Ignore
it? How would you like it if the smell of hot gasoline was
bothering you so much you lost all your sense of smell, and then
you just say “Just Ignore it.”
7. Tell your parents how good the meal is that you normally
hate. Then they’ll say: “Why do you like it now?” Then you say
“Well compared to the sloppy joes served at school, they’re
awesome!” Parents: “Then I’m sure you loved those sloppy joes.”
You: “No, they tasted like caster oil.”
what would you get if you crossed a cooking…
what would you get if you crossed a cooking device,wwith a plastic doll?
A barbie-Q
They take the psycho path
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Blonde Joke plus…
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”
The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
“Will it take ME?”
============
10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:
10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I go through a brick wall?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?
Ouch
Three men walked into a bar…
Ouch!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q: How many Sagittarians
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Invisible man
Superman is flying through the skys of metropolis and he thinks to himself “im feeling kinda horny!”just as he thinks that he sees wonder woman sunbathing naked,he thinks BINGO!!”I can fuck her without her knowing!”So he flies down does the buisness and flies off,wonder woman sits up with a startled look on her face and she says “What was that?”then the invisible man says “I dont know but my arse is killing me!”