Author: admin

The blonde and the news

Posted on by admin

One night at a bar, there was a Blonde and a Brunette sipping a beer and watching the news. As they kept watching they saw a older woman standing on the side of a mountain, so the brunette thinks in her head (blondes are stupid, i can trick her) so the brunette looks at the blonde and says……”.I bet you 20 dollars that woman jumps off that mountain”. So the blonde thinks for a second and then agrees on the bet. Sure enough about 1 minute later the woman dives off the mountian. As the blonde was pulling her 20 dollars out of her pocket the brunette looks at her and says…i am not going to do that to you, i watched the news eirler this morning and i saw the woman jump, then the blonde replies well i wathced it earlier to but hell i didnt know the stupid woman was going to jump again!!!!

Chad

Penis on the Blackboard

Posted on by admin

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned
around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding
none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger
letters, the word “penis” again on the black board. Again, she
looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s
word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words: “The more
you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

Bubba Wants to get Married

Posted on by admin

Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.

“Bubba,” Ma said, “you can’t get married yet. Why, you’re the baby of the family.”

“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I had my 38th birthday jest last week.”

“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in. “But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”

Making faces

Posted on by admin

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

The ventriloquist

Posted on by admin

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. “Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.”

The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”

The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

“Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!”

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse.

“Well, you know, horses don’t talk.”

Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.” So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

A Special Day

Posted on by admin

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet
you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to
the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!”
she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in
my life!”

Sexual Confession

Posted on by admin

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful. “

“Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.”

“Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.”

“That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.”

“Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.”

“That’s not very good of you.”

“Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father? ……… Father?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

“Father, why are you hiding here?”

“Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

At the crazy farm!

Posted on by admin

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”
“Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”

The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”

“What? And work in the dark!?!”

Get weighed

Posted on by admin

edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.

‘What would you like to do first, Kim?’ asked Joe.

‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.

‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went and because she’d been there before the man guessed Kim’s correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.

Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
‘Where to next?’

Kim responded: ‘I want to get weighed,’ but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, ‘How’d it go?’ she asked.

Kim said, ‘Oh, Waura, it was wousy.’