Yo mama’s teeth are so rotton when she smiles it looks like she ate a bag of oreo cookies.
Author: admin
Half a brain and Gore on their backs.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Kurt Cobain have in common?
A: Half a brain and Gore on their backs.
Chicken Ranch
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
What’s blue and sings alone?…
What’s blue and sings alone?
– Dan Ackroyd.
The Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun
to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are
totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other
people who eat their Oreo’s this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that’s ok, not to worry, you’re “normal”.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and
orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done
quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to
do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and
Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to
sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have
a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly
curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how
they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you
destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement
when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if
not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at
business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the
rest away. You are greedy,selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You
should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got
yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry
animals and seek professional medical help immediately.
10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies. You probably
come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own,
and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prima donna. There’s just no pleasing you. Kill yourself now.
Superman est� muy excitado y
Superman est� muy excitado y llega volando a la bati-cueva y le dice a Batman:
“Hey, Batman, que tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.”
“Batman le contesta: “No esta noche superman, hoy me toca limpiar el batim�vil y no puedo.”
“What the hell, Batman, vamos, no seas aburrido.”
“Lo siento, Superman pero yo no puedo combatir al hampa con el batim�vil sucio ser� otro d�a.”
Y Superman sali� volando encojonado a toda velocidad hacia el oc�ano y se sumergi� hasta donde estaba Aquaman…
“Hey, Aquaman, how are you doing, qu� tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.”
“No hoy superman. Tengo que alimentar a los delfines, t� sabes que yo sin los delfines no puedo combatir el crimen, lo siento sera otro d�a.”
Superman le mostr� el dedo y sali� disparado a volar sobre la ciudad, cuando de pronto a trav�s de una ventana se percata de que est� la Mujer Maravilla tumbada boca arriba, en pelotas, abierta como un zamuro en el sol.
Superman dijo “�Yes!” y se meti� por la ventana, se quit� la ropa, se le ech� encima y se la tiro 40 veces (claro a la velocidad de la luz, ustedes saben), se par�, se visti� y sali� volando por la ventana. Todo esto en tres segundos.
La Mujer Maravilla se sienta en la cama r�pidamente y dice, “�Fuck… qu� diablos fue eso!”
Y contesta el hombre invisible: “No se, �pero el culo me lo revent�!”
Hikers meet headhunters.
So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.
The head headhunter says “If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back”
So the hikers did that and came back.
The head head hunter said “Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.”
So the first hiker has apples… Ok, apples it shouldn’t be too hard.
1 up okay… 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head.
The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy!
1 up okay… 2 up fine… 3… 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.
So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes “What happened… you had grapes, I mean you got killed c’mon what happened?”
The guy who had grapes says, “Well the other hiker…….. he…….. he……… he had watermellons!”
If it jams, force it.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
What do you Get …
Q: What do you get when you combine the Pillsbury Doughboy and Raggedy Ann?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
A problem with teeth
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t stop talking!
crazy
what do you call a crazy person who is obsessed with the moon?
a lunar-tic
Too much thinking…
Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.
First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man’s spiritual needs were being fulfilled.
The team made it’s way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.
The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.
Cautiously, they walked inside.
Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.
At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, “Oh yes!” the Psychologist spoke. “This very clearly explains this man’s desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.”
“Nonsense!” exclaimed the Engineer. “This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius.”
The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. “I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created.”
At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.
The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.
“Simple…had to fix stove pipe…plenty of wire…not enough stove pipe!”