admin – Page 3851 – Purpee Jokes

Cow Priced Like A Car

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

What would happen if we priced our “COWS” using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a “CAR”?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over
to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW………………………………………….$499.9
Shipping and handling…………………………………35.75
Extra Stomach………………………………………….79.25
Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142.10
Produce Storage Compartment…………………..126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper………………………..189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………………..59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment……………………339.40
4X4 Traction Drive Assembly………………………884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb………………………..69.80
______________________________________________

FARMER’S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: …….$2,843.3
Additional Dealer Adjustments: ……………………….300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options)………$3,143.36

This is an actual ad

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

This is an actual ad that appears in the June 97 issue of Dog Fancy:

Can Your Dog Read? While there is little scientific evidence, loving dog
owners believe that there are many amazing indications that some dogs may
be able to read or recognize words. Send now for your Dog Reading Fun Kit
with eye chart, flash cards, instructions and diploma. Hours of
entertainment for you and your loving companion. Order additional Dog
Reading Fun Kits for gifts. Mail your check or money order today! $7.95
plus $2 s/h for each fun kit to: MDA Products, 5339 Prospect Rd #280 San
Jose, CA 95129.

Their turn

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

Q: what is the irritating part around a blonde’s vagina?
A1: the blonde!
A2: the other guys waiting their turn.

The Tracks

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

There were 2 blondes walking in the country, they come across some tracks on the ground.
One says “I bet these are bear tracks””. The other says “”i bet they’re rabbit tracks””. They continue arguing.
Then they get hit by a train.

“

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight…

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

Because theres twenty of them!!!

Signs-You’re Older Than You Thought

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

– You can live without sex but not without glasses.

– Your back goes out more than you do.

– You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.

– You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

– You are proud of your lawn mower.

– Your best friend is dating someone half their age … and
isn’t breaking any laws.

– You sing along with the elevator music.

– You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

– You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

– You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

– You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

– You make an appointment to see the dentist.

– You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

– Neighbors borrow your tools.

– People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

– You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”

– You send money to PBS.

– The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your
pants.

– You wear black socks with sandals.

– You know what the word “equity” means.

– You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.

– You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s
lawn.

– You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

– You got cable for the weather channel.

– You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

3 Blonde Jokes

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

Do you want to hear 3 blond jokes?

Then listen to Hanson.

Contraceptive 98

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, “It is now safe to turn off your partner.”

DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION
Contraceptive 98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s potential. He recently said, “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”

Having a Beer

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?”The man says, “When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.”The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?”The man says, “Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s just that my wife said that I couldn’t go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didn’t say anything about my brothers.”