admin – Page 3850 – Purpee Jokes

Cookie Care Package

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds
that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they’re all sitting
around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
best friend’s dick.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she
turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
dough. She then looks at the camera and says, “By the way, I
want a divorce.”

Now THAT’S a Dear John letter!

Skunk In The House

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

There’s a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they don’t know is that there is a skunk in the house!

The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, “It stinks in there!”

The American goes in and last ten seconds.

Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

While flying recently, Gloria Steinem was…

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

While flying recently, Gloria Steinem was pleased to find that the entire
flight crew was female. She asked a flight attendant
if she might be able to do an interview in the cockpit.

“Pardon, me ma’am,” said the flight attendant, “where did you say?”

“The cockpit.”

“Oh, I’m sorry but we don’t call it that on this flight.”

Blonde and Officer

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’me…. could I see your drivers license…?”

“…What’s a license…???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet…” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration…” asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment…” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute…” said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

“Ummm…. is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes….” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher “Uh… yes” replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do….” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants…”

“WHAT!!? I can’t do that. Its….. inappropriate…” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me….. just do it….” said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not ANOTHER breathalyzer……”

Mission statement

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

Mission Statement

1. TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.(Ha !)
2. TO ALWAYS WORK TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. (( Hey I�m being serious here!))
3. IN THE EVENT OF POINT 2. NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY � F### IT!
4. NEVER P##S OFF ANYONE WITH A HORMONAL IMBALANCE (I.E. Anyone on H.R.T., Men suffering from man-flu,big blokes on steroids,women.){{This point was added as a direct result of point 1.}}
5. NEVER FLY ON A PLANE WHERE THE PILOT IS ANY OF THE ABOVE.
6. TO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY SORRY ( In the unlikely event that I�m wrong!!. If not say it anyway to any persons identified in point4.
7. NEVER.NEVER .NEVER. GO TO BED ON A ARGUMENT�..(Stay up and drink Jack Daniels instead!)
8. TREAT OTHERS AS THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED(( Unless -of course- what they deserve is a good kick in the b#####ks))
9. UNDERSTAND THAT OTHERS DO NOT ALL SHARE YOUR VISION! (Especially when it comes to driving!!!!!!)
10. Remember � I AM GARY� (unless ive forgot to insure car �in which case in JOHN)
Gary Woodward

A big tip

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

Two men were running for a seat in their state senate. The two men had just
finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.

Said the first man “I’m going to win the election because I put in the
personal touch, for example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would
vote for me.”

“Thats nothing,” replies the seconded man to the first, “I left the waiter a 5
cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager.”

Who Signed It?

Posted on February 19, 2015February 19, 2007 by admin

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. “Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?” He said, “Damn if I
know.” She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him
to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the
room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got
back to the boy. “Now, Johnny, I’ll ask you again. Who signed
the Declaration of Independence?” “Well, hell, teacher,” Johnny
said, “I told you I didn’t know.” The father jumped up in the
back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, “Johnny, if
you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!”

The Top 15 Predictions for 2004 (Part II)

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

15> High-school dropout fast-food workers are disappointed to learn they can’t win the gold in the Greece Olympics.

14> In the last quarter of 2004, sales of 2005 calendars skyrocket.

13> George W. Bush again uses the WMD excuse to invade one or more of the following: Iran, Syria, Cuba, Canada, Club Med Cancun.

12> Come Christmas, millions once again are reduced to helpless tears of laughter by “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Like, when the singer says, “Sing along, Grandpa!” and a really deep voice joins the chorus, is that HILARIOUS or what?

11> The planet Mars sues NASA for littering.

10> God’s existence is proven once and for all when the wedding of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher is torched by a lightning bolt from an absolutely cloudless sky.

9> Kobe Bryant, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson and Robert Blake all testify that they were playing poker at O.J.’s house on the nights in question.

8> The Olsen twins turn 18, lift the restraining order and begin to return my calls.

7> The next American Idol makes viewers forget all about Ruben and Clay — not to mention Kelly and the guy with the hair.

6> Britney Spears reveals she has a fetish for humor list contributors. Also, Richard Simmons has a heterosexual romance with Amelia Earhart on the island of Atlantis.

5> Having exhausted all other outlets to try to save the planet, U2 singer Bono runs for president of Earth.

4> FOX TV produces a reality show starring two other children of hotel magnates: Lisbon Sheraton and Florence Motel6.

3> Florida tries to win back the goofiest state status from California by replacing its governor with SpongeBob SquarePants.

2> The gaping hole in the fabric of space and time opened by “Gigli” in 2003 continues to grow. Among the resulting phenomena: Pee-Wee Herman is arrested for securities fraud and Martha Stewart is caught “pleasuring herself” in a Home Depot.

1> “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” loses the ratings battle to “Lesbian Lips on a Straight Girl’s Nips.”

Cucumber, Pickle & Penis

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2007 by admin

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.The Pickle says, “You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.The Cucumber says, “Yeah, you think that’s bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.The Penis says, “You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!