Author: admin

Doctor’s Orders

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A women accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said: “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don’t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don’t discuss yuor problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

“You’re going to DIE” she replied.

Un se�or con evidentes se�ales

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Un se�or con evidentes se�ales de agotamiento f�sico se presenta ante el m�dico.

“Cada noche que llego a mi casa -explica el paciente- me echo el primero, m�s o menos normal. Me echo el segundo y empiezo a sentir cansancio y decaimiento. Al tercero me duele el cerebro y se activan las palpitaciones del coraz�n. Ya para el cuarto sudo abundantemente, los dolores de cabeza se vuelven intolerables, el coraz�n quiere salirse del pecho. Para el quinto realmente no puedo, doctor, porque los ri�ones…”

“�P�rele, amigo, p�rele! Claro que eso tiene que suceder, es l�gico, normal.”

“Pero doctor, es que vivo en el sexto y no hay elevador…”

Lethal Food

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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.”The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

Looking

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A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says, “Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?”

The man replies, “Don’t ask me lady. I’m just a painter!”

2 toothpicks and…

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A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, ‘Don’t tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.’

‘Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?’

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. ‘Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. What’s going on?’

The man replies, ‘Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuff’s already gone.’

A Blonde Learning to Fly

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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”