Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.
Author: admin
It Hurts!
The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a
Complaint of pains all over her body.
“Be more precise,” he said. “So I can help you, try pointing to some of the
places that hurt.
The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, “Ouch!” then her
finger to her hip and said, “Ouch!” and then to her rib cage and said, “Ouch!”
again.
The doctor stopped her and asked, “Were you a blonde before your hair grayed”?
“Why yes!” she said excitedly, “But how did you know?”
The Doc answered, “Your fingers broken.”
Mother’s Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a
sponge.”
6 M’s in Time
Name 6 M’s in time
1. Millasecond
2. Minunte
3. Monday
4. Month
5. Moment
6. Melliumn
Knock KnockWho’s there?Delhi!Delhi who?Delhicatessen!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Delhi!Delhi who?Delhicatessen!
chinese bar
a man walks into a bar and says i want a beer with a side o f a coke the chinese waitergoes and pees in the coke and comes back with the coke and beer the guy takes a sip of coke and sprays it out in disgust and the waiter dances around chanting me chinese me no joke me go peepee in your coke this happens to two more people before a cowboy comes in same thing happens and after the chinese man gets done with his little chant of his the cowboy pulls him by the colar and whispers into his ear me cowboy me shoot fast me shott bulets up your____
Malcolm X Shirt
Your Mama is so fat, that when she wore a Malcolm X T-shirt, a helicopter tried to land on her!
The Kilted Scotsman
THE KILTED SCOTSMAN
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!” So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said…
“I don’t know where y’been lad…but it’s nice ta’know y’won first prize!”
Age…
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
Fun with Mink
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. ”Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, ”Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.””No problem! I’ll write you a check!””Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. ”Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.”So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ”How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!””I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, ”to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”
Gravity –
Gravity – It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?Life is too complicated in the morning.All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized AutobiographyNobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.Ask me about my vow of silence.Today’s subliminal message is: ( )