Out hunting

Two friends from the Ozarks went hunting.

When deep in the forest one of them stared shaking, turned pale, fell to the ground, thrashed around for a while and then lay still.

His friend was startled and worried. He had no first aid training and did not know what to do.

His friend had obviously had a seizure and perhaps had fainted or died.

He got out his cell phone and dialed a hospital in the nearest large city.

He described to the emergency room nurse what had happened and said that he was afraid that his friend had died.

The nurse told him to keep calm and make sure that his friend was really dead.

There was a pause.

The nurse heard a shot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, “Okay, I did that. Now what?”

Edited by Curtis and Calamjo

A visiting professor at the University of…

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a
seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How
many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.”Well that’s a good start. Out of
those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever
seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m
really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?”
15 students raise their hands. “That’s a great response. Has anyone
here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask
you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years
I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept
with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.”
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says,
“Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? Damn, I thought you said ‘goats.'”

Un tipo estaba desesperado porque

Un tipo estaba desesperado porque la naturaleza lo hab�a dotado de un considerable trozo: �50cm!, y cada vez que iba a tener sexo las mujeres sal�an corriendo espantadas.

Un d�a se encuentra con un amigo y le cuenta su problema. El amigo le ofrece una soluci�n sorprendente:

“Para solucionar tu problema tienes que viajar al Amazonas y buscar al sapito de los ojos brillantes. Una vez que lo encuentres le preguntas �Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?, el sapito te va a contestar que NO y autom�ticamente se te va a reducir el pito 10 cm.”

Luego de una larga discusi�n con el amigo pensando que se estaba burlando de su desgracia este hombre decide que no tiene nada que perder y emprende su viaje hacia el Amazonas.

Una vez ah� se interna en la selva en busca del sapito de los ojos brillantes. Al cabo de varias horas de caminata y ante su sorpresa encuentra en medio de un estanque al sapito de los ojos brillantes.

Todav�a medio incr�dulo se acerca al sapito y le dice:

“�Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?”

A lo que el sapito responde:

“NO.”

Y autom�ticamente se le reduce el pito 10 cm. El tipo reflexiona y decide que 40 cm todav�a es demasiado y por ende le vuelve a preguntar al sapito:

“�Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?”

Y ante el segundo NO del sapito se le reduce el pito a 30 cm.

“Bueno,” piensa este hombre, “30 cm no est� nada mal pero todav�a puede que sea demasiado.”

Entonces decide acercarse al sapito por �ltima vez y preguntarle:

“�Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito.”

Y el sapito responde:

“Te dije que NO, NO y NO.”

Un d�a pasa un carrazo

Un d�a pasa un carrazo de lujo en una gran avenida, con un chavo hijo de papi…

Tras �l ven�a un autob�s de pasajeros echando carreras… El hijo de papi abre la puerta de su carro para bajar y el autob�s se lleva la puerta del carro…

El hijo de papi, enfurecido, le grita al chofer:

�MIRA LO QUE HICISTE, BABOSITO, FREGASTE MI PUERTA! �IMBECIL!”

Una persona cercana le dice:

“Es usted muy materialista, reclama su puerta y no se da cuenta de que tambi�n se ha llevado su brazo…”

“�DEMONIOS, MI RELOJ DE DIAMANTES!”

Funeral Plans

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”

The second man said, “My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”

The third man said, “My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis