Author: admin

Fire!

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Three men were arrested for stealing cars.
Their sentance was to be shot.

The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled “Flash flood!”

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.

It was the next man’s turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled “Tornado!”

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.

The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled “Fire!” and everyone shot him.

Things that Make you Say Hmmm…

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-Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

-It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.

-Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

The Defendant

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“What?? You did???”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

It’s Not Fair

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If she cries, she’s upset. If I cry, I’m a wuss

If she talks dirty to me, she likes me. If I do it, I’m
harassing her.

If she gets a job first, it’s being fair. If I get it it’s
favoritism.

If she’s broke and homeless, she’s been abused. If I am, I’m a
bum.

If she goes somewhere with another woman, she has a friend. If I
go somewhere with another man, I’m gay.

If she kicks/punches me in the balls, it’s payback. If I
kick/punch her in the breasts, I’m a sexual harasser, and it’s
in newspapers everywhere.

Politically Correct Terms of Endearment

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Romantically-Challenged — not with somebody at the moment
Rustically-Inclined — redneck
Sanitation Engineer — garbage man
Sexually-Focused Chronologically-Gifted Individual — dirty old man
Socially-Challenged — geek or nerd
Specially-Perplexed — drunk
Target Equity Group — vocal minority
Uniquely-Coordinated — clumsy
Uniquely-Fortuned Individual on an Alternative Career Path — loser
Vertically-Challenged — short
Visually-Challenged — blind

The Presidential watches

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A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called “the George Bush Watch” and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says–“you are suppose to read his lips”.He then looks at a watch called the “Ross Perot Watch” and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him “it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run . . .”He then notices a watch called the “Bill Clinton Watch” and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies “$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . .”

Preganat wife? Avoid these!

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Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. “I finished the Oreos.”

16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”

15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”

14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”

12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”

6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

5. “Got milk ?”

4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

2. “Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”