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Llegan unos ni�os a casa de Pepito y tocan la puerta. Abre la mam� y uno de los ni�os le dice:
“Se�ora, �puede salir Pepito a jugar base-ball con nosotros?”
La madre hace un gesto de dolor y les responde:
“�Pero ustedes saben que Pepito naci� sin manos y sin pies!”
“Por eso se�ora…” le dice el ni�o, “�lo queremos para almohadilla de segunda base!”
ONE DAY THIS PREGNAT LADY WENT TO THE DOCTORS FOR HER CHECK UP AND THERE THE DOC TOLD HER WHEN SHE GOES IN ABOR HE CAN GIVE HER A PILL SO THAT THE DADY CAN HAVFE HALF OF THE PAIN AND A WEEK LATER SHE GOES IN LABOR SO THE DOC GIVES HER THE PILL AND THE HUSBAND SAYS HE DOES NOT FEEL ANYTHING SO THEY GIVE THE WIFE MORE MORE AND MORE AND SAME THING FINALLY THEY GIVE HER SO MANY THAT SHE DOES NOT FEEL THE PAIN EITHER SO SHE HAS HER BABY AND THEN WHEN THEY GO HOME THEY FIND THE MAIL MAN DEAD ON THERE FROUNT PORCH
Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.
“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”
Dr. Jones nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”
The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”
Un ladr�n entr� a una casa a hacer de las suyas, con su linterna en la mano. Cuando estaba escudri�ando por la cocina y el comedor en busca de la plater�a, escuch� una extra�a voz que le dec�a:
“Jes�s te est� mirando”.
El ladr�n se sobresalt�, apag� la linterna e inmediatamente se puso a averiguar de d�nde proven�a esa voz.
“Jes�s te est� mirando”, volvi� a escuchar.
Encendi� nuevamente su linterna y vio a un loro encerrado en una jaula que le repiti�:
“Jes�s te est� mirando”.
El tipo se r�o y le respondi�:
“�Y t� qui�n eres?”
“Soy Mois�s”, contest� el loro.
“Ja, ja, ja, ja �Y qui�n fue el imb�cil que te puso ‘Mois�s’?”
“El mismo imb�cil que le puso ‘Jes�s’ al doberman que est� detr�s de ti… �Idiota!”
A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. “Don’t worry,” the gruff fellow said, “I’m in for a white-collar crime.””Is that right?” the new con asked, relieved.”Yeah,” said the prisoner. “I killed a priest.”
Why don’t the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change
their address.
This place even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them
since. I hope they come back soon, like I told your dad we shouldn’t have to
wear the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be
too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet,
so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.
Your Favorite Aunt
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
‘My God,” said the Queen, “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it!”
You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’.You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.Your mother is hairier than your father.
Who are the two most famous black women in history?
Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker!
13. Michel’s E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service
12. Larry Learns About Leather
11. My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie, and I Want Some Discipline
10. It’s a Mall World After All
9. RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager’s Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up, and Really Cool World of Smoking
8. I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
7. Look Before Crossdressing
6. The Littlest Testicle
5. Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl’s Guide to Staying Skinny
4. If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don’t Get Your Nipple Pierced
3. Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
2. Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!
1. Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn’t Really 10 Years Old Like You
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.Newton: 1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. 2) It was pushed on the road. 3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road. 4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.Feynman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: Surely you are joking, Mr. Feynman!Pascal Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: It was pressured to cross the road.Ohm: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: There was more resistance on this side of the road.Volt Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: The other side had more potential.Archimedes: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To actualize its potential.Hawkings: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: The first seconds made the universe in such a way that chickens cross the road.From [email protected] ARISTOTLE A1: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. A2: The other side of the road was its natural place.From [email protected] EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?From: [email protected] (Aaron Hoyt) Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.