What’s the difference between Northern Fairy Tales and Southern
fairy tales?
A northern fairy tale starts out with, “Once upon a time.” The
Southern fairy tale starts out with, “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe
this shit!”
Author: admin
Special pig
A man is driving past a farm when he spots a pig with a wooden leg.
Puzzled, he pulls over and approaches the farmer. “What’s the story with this pig?” he asks.
“That pig can recognize 100 different commands, work out math equations in the dirt and speak more than 50 words,” the farmer says.
“So what’s with the wooden leg?” the man asks.
“When a pig is that special,” the farmer replies, “You just don’t eat him all at once.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
How many missionaries does it take to screw…
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
Smart Business
Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one night when a gorgeous well stacked blonde walked in.
She says, “For $250, I’ll do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less.”
He thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says “Paint my house.”
The Third Rose
Seems there was this woman who was troubled with overly big pussy lips. It
got to the point where they caused her great discomfort, even to walk.
Finally she decided to see her doctor about her situation. She described
her problem to him and asked if there was any kind of surgery he could
perform to make her back to normal. After assurring her that he could fix
the problem, she made him promise that this woould never get out and
no-one would know about it. “Don’t worry,” he said, “this is all
confidential.”
She had the surgery and when she awoke in her hospital room, she noticed
three beautiful red roses on her nightstand. Just then the doctor came in
the room to see how she was feeling. He told her that everything went well
and she should be able to go home the next day. “Thanks doc,” she said, “I
feel better already. By the way, do you know who the roses are from?”
“Well,” he said, “One is from me. That is something I do for all my
patients. The other one is from my wife.” “I thought you were going to
keep this confidential.” she said. “That’s ok,” the doctor told her, “I
talk to my wife about all my surgeries and she sends a rose to cheer up
the patient.” “Well, I guess that’s ok too, but what about the third rose,
who is that one from?” “Oh,” he said, “that’s from a guy on the fourth
floor burn unit, that’s his way of thanking you for his new ears.”
Affimrations from the outer limits
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they really pissed me off!
Cats teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Seize the day�then go back to bed!
Don�t take life so seriously. It�s not permanent.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Money can�t buy happiness. But is sure makes misery easier to live with.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can put on someone else�s desk today.
Therapy is expensive. Poppin� bubble wrap is cheap. You choose!
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines and never get back to you.
It takes 42 muscles to frown but only four to extend my middle finger and tell someone to bite me!
Twinkie
Yo mama is so fat that when she saw a yellow school bus full of white kids she said “stop that twinkie!”
How does a blonde turn off the night light?…
How does a blonde turn off the night light?
– She closes the car door.
Show Your Ticket
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets.
So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”
The Queen and Lady Di in Better Days [Rated PG-13]
Once upon a time, a few years before all those nasty divorces, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England and Lady Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leaped out of the bushes and stopped the car.’Give us the money’ they shouted at the Queen.’But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money, thus I never carry any.”Oh, blimey’, said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Lady Di.’Give us yer jewels.”But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.’The armed robbers looked fed up when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. ‘Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least’, and with that the robbers drove off.As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen, and asks: ‘So, what did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”Ah,’ said the Queen, ‘I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have. Reaching under her skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.’And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelery, my dear’ the Queen says to Di.’Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.’ Reaching down, she plucks out her jewelery.They both smile, knowingly at each other. After sitting quietly for a few moments, the Queen turned to Di, and with all the grace and dignity one should expect of the Queen of the British Empire, said: says ‘You know, if Fergie had been with us, we would still have that Range Rover.’
The Top 16 Traits Of a Highly Ineffective Sales Person
16. His close? “You might find a better price elsewhere — but don’t let me catch you doing it, pal!”
15. Refers to your wife as, “Your passenger-side airbag, there”.
14. Bursts into tears when someone shakes his hand firmly.
13. Starts every demo with, “In spite of what you may have read in Consumer Reports…”
12. Wears a clown costume to all sales calls, because everyone loves a clown.
11. Promotes her new album by tearing up a picture of the Pope.
10. That catchy, “Sure, our product sucks, but at least it’s expensive as hell.”
9. Not only takes “no” for an answer, he insists on it.
8. Her big sales pitch: A complimentary receipt with every purchase.
7. Upon first sign of rejection, offers 15 for the price 1.
6. “Loves Oreos” and “talks with food in mouth” aren’t particularly compatible characteristics.
5. His nickname around the office: “The Capitulator.”
4. In the first pitch meeting, she calls you “Pinky” and your boss “Tubby.”
3. Surly De Niroesque responses of “Are you talkin’ to me?” unnerve customers.
2. Doesn’t care if you don’t buy anything as long as you laugh at his Ghandi impersonation.
1. Claims everything he sells can “double as an ass scratcher.”
Lawyer vs. snake
Q: A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What’s the difference between
them?
A: The snake had skid marks in front of him.