Laptop – Where the grandkids sit
Author: admin
End Of The World As
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts.”I have two piece of bad news,” said Boris Yeltsin.”One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow.””I have some good news and some bad news,” said Bill Clinton.”First, the good — God does exist. And the bad — the earth will be destroyed tomorrow.””I have some great news!” said Bill Gates.”One, I’m one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we’ve got this Y2K thing solved!”
Busy Guy
A man goes to the doctors and says “Doc, you gotta help me!”
The doctor says “What’s your problem?”
The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”.. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking… For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw……”
“Well” said the doctor. “What’s your problem?”
The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Viscount!Viscount who?Viscount you
Knock KnockWho’s there?Viscount!Viscount who?Viscount you behave!
Ad Agency In the Sky
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, “Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven’t seen him for a while.”The Senior Exec replied “Haven’t you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky.””Good Lord,” replied the junior man, “You’re kidding me, right ? What did he have?” “Oh, nothing much,” replied the elder exec, “A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after.”
Star Signs
How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just “try” to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done – they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they’re out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
Ice cubes
Do you know why there aren’t any ice cubes in Poland?
The inventor died and took the recipe with him.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
The blonde and sally
one day sally was jumping on railroad tracks saying 21, 21, 21 then she sees a blonde and asks if she wants to jump with her and the blonde said sure so they are jumping and saying 21, 21, 21 and a train starts to come and sally jumps off and the blonde continues to jump the train kills her and then sally gets up and starts jumping again an is saying 22, 22, 22.
by Stephen R.
Things Your Mother NEVER Said
1. You’re right. I’m wrong.”
2. How was your date son? Did you nail her?
3. Whoa — Get a load of the rack on that babe.
4. Look, if you can’t clean out the stems and seeds properly,
stay out of my stash!
5. Oh no! Not ANOTHER friggin’ grandchild!
6. …and that’s when I bitch-slapped the police officer,
grabbed his gun, and busted a cap in his sorry ass.
7. It’s okay to say “I love you” if you just want sex. Trust me
— girls understand that.
8. I am through judging everybody and everything.
9. Not only can you go swimming after dinner, you can eat
dessert in the pool also.
10. Have you ever noticed what an incredible ripoff the flower
delivery industry is?
Polish Sausage
A man walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any polish sausage?” The clerk replies, “Are you Polish?” The man says, “Yes, but why do you ask? If I asked for Italian Sausage would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I asked for German Sausage would you ask if I was German? Or if I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?!? The clerk simply answered, “No.” The man said, “Then why did you just ask me if I was Polish?” The clerk replied, “Because this is a hardware store!”
Wrong hole
One day this man went to Japan. He was with his buddy and his
buddies’ girlfriend and he was getting alittle jealous cause he
didn’t have a gurl to hang out with. So, he talked to his buddy
about it, and his buddy got him hooked up with a prostitute. She
couldn’t speak english, but the gut was like “What the hell!, At
least i’m still getttin’ sum!” So the next night he was in the
back of one of the bandwagons fucking her. She kept on screaming
“VIA NO PEEA! VIA NO PEEA!” Now, this guy new nothing about
Japenese, so he figured she was just having this MAJOR orgasm.
The next day, the guy was out playing gulf with his buddy. His
buddy swung the golf club, and hit the ball through a hole in
the tree. He was very frustrated, and started talking in
Japanese. “VIA NO PEEA!” Now, the man reconized that phrase, so
he asked his buddy what it meant. His buddy looked at him and
said “wrong hole”.
Accordion joke
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.