What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.
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Jenny Craig
Your mama is so fat that Jenny Craig turned her down.
Bunch of good one-liners
1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
2. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one will stop to ask directions.
4. What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
11. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
12. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Un borracho iba caminando por
Un borracho iba caminando por la calle y de repente le pegan unos dolores de est�mago y luego le dan ganas de cagar y como no aguanta lo hace enfrente de una puerta. De pronto la puerta se abre y sale una mujer y dice, “�qu� es esto?”
“El borracho dice, “Pues que no ve: �mierda!”
“�C�mo!”
“Pues coma.”
“Voy a dar parte a la polic�a.”
“�Pues comer� menos!”
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
”Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a-more.”
”You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. ”In this country
we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”
”Hey, cool down lady,” said the man. ”Imma just tella my friend howa to
spella Mississippi.”
Summer vacation
It was the first day of school.
Each member of this third grade class had to go up to the black board and draw a representation of their summer.
Little Johnny got up and drew a dot.
The teacher asked him what it was supposed to represent.
He replied, “It is a period.”
The teacher said, “What does that have to do with your summer?”
Johnny said, “Well, my 15 year-old sister couldn’t find hers, so my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the 21 year-old guy next door shot himself!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Night time question
Just before she went to bed, little Ruth�s mum asks her a question, �Do you
know how to make milk shake, darling?�
�No I don�t, mum.�
�You give it a good fright.�
18 Things Not To Say
18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.1. I finished the Oreo’s.2. Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.3. Y’know, to look at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!4. I hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!5. Darned if you aren’t five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!8. I’m so jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?10. Get your *own* ice cream.11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.12. Got milk?13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!17. Well, can’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!18. You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…
Brains
Why are men endowed with a half an ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women’s knees at parties.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
Wife Drawned in the Bay
The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to
call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife.” “Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news
first.” So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but
this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh my god!” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the
good news?” “Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up
she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness
crabs on her.”
“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!” Mr.
Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her
up again tomorrow morning.”
Fishin’ Secrets
An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasn’t having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?
The kid said, “Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…” The man wasn’t sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,”Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…”
“0ne more time,son. What was it you said?” The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: “YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!”