“Hello, is this the FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?””I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.””Thank you very much for the call, sir.”The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.”Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?””Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?””Yep.””Merry Christmas Buddy”
Author: admin
Your mama jokes
1. Your mama’s so ugly, when she was born they put tinted windows on her
incubator.
2. Your mama’s so fat, when she lays on the beach nobody else gets any sun.
3. Your mama’s so stupid, when her job application asked what sex she was
she put twice a week.
4. Your mama’s so poor her family has to eat cereal with a fork to save
milk.
5. Your mama’s house is so small, the front door is the back door.
Algebra I Mid Term Exam…
Algebra I Mid Term Exam
Ebonics Version
Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand comer.
Don’t be axing no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes
on yo own sorryass papers.
Number 1. (25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon’s home be 5 mile north
of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while
Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain’t not departin till 11:00 zoomin
bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied
chicken?
Number 2. (25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a
bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as
that ugly ass ho Yolanda?
Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain’t not got
nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap
stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?
Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If
studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how
long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls
to play wif?
Extra Credit:
Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.
20
A.The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif
B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the
number a cuts he be putting in that no good honkey bitch Nicole afta
catchin her wif a guy what ain’t got no goddam mothafuckin rights be
ridin roun wif OJs car
Wife helps out the cop
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What’s the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Lucky Guys!
Darn, it’s good to be a man.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just
too
icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about cars and trucks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You don’t have to shave below your neck!
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes or less.
Now do you understand why men are so cheerful?
The Leprechaun
A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can’t help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.
He says to the short man, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice what a large penis you have.” The short man replies, “I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.”
The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. “OK, “He says, “I want to live in a mansion.” The short man replies, “Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.”
The man says, “Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.” “OK, “the short man replies, “Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.” The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.
“I want a penis as large as yours.” “Alright, but the is one catch, the short man replies. “What’s that, the man asks?” “I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.
The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. “OK, go right ahead.” The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, “I can’t believe I’m gonna have a penis as big as yours.”
The short man replies, “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”
Close shave
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Tough Prescription
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, ‘I was coming up to die.’
She laughed and replied, ‘I was coming down to kill you!’
Osama turns him self in
Osama Bin Laden Calls George Bush and Says,
Osama:I’ve got good news and bad news
Bush:Whats the good news?
Osama:I’m Turning myself in!
Bush:and whats the bad news?
Osama:I’m going in an airplane
Chicken Ranch
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Words we don’t want to hear for another 1,000 years
Y2K Drop the chalupa! Pikachu Like… Don’t go there! Livin’ la vida loca Da bomb Xtreme Millennium Whatever… Jar-Jar Zero Tolerance Get over it! Is that your final answer? Jerry Springer Chris Gaines The Real World Construction zone Time capsule Like … Have a good one!
Standardized Guide to the Bases
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do
you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they
got to second base!”
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?
Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.
What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using
baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face
it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of
sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide
to the Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old
days.
First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I
knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base: Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or
your partner.
Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
That system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the
exact definitions? We have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado… The Standardized
Guide to the Bases!
On Deck: Having plans for a date.
Strike-Out: Duh!!
Walk: Kissing.
Bunt: Masturbation.
Single: Tongue kissing.
Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels.
Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation.
Inside the park home run: Oral Sex.
Home Run: SEX!
Ground Rule Double: would have sex, but no condom.
Error: Condom breaks during sex.
Banned for life for gambling: sex without a condom.
Hall of Fame: Marriage.
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Balk: Premature ejaculation.
Pine Tar: KY jelly.
Relief pitcher: Vibrator.
Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Box Seats: Waterbed.
Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions.
Rookie: Virgin.
Minor Leagues: Under 18.
Loaded Bases: manage a trois.
Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours.
Foul tip: VD.
Three up and three down: impotency.
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY: we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY: first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time. NEW
WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a
relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the
confusion and helps you out.