A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.”Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.””Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend.”I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough.”The groom nodded gently and said, “That may be true, but I can’t get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!”
Author: admin
Grounds For A Divorce
A blonde woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a
divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks
her, “Do you have grounds for a divorce?”
To which she replies, “Well, we have three acres.”
“No, ma’am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?” asks the
attorney.
“No, I get up around 6:00 and he sleeps until 7:30,” she
responds.
Feeling frustrated the attorney asks, “Lady, tell me, do you
have a grudge?”
Looking very confident she states, “No, we have a carport.”
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, “Look,
lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Because he can’t hold an intelligent conversation!”
Bobby’s Prayer
Once a boy named Bobby was praying one night. He said, “Dear Lord, take
care of my mommy, my daddy, and me. Oh, yeah! And take care of yourself,
becuase if anything happened to you, we would be in a big mess.”
God's Gifts
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. �It�s a very handy thing� God told the couple, �and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.�Adam jumped up and blurted �Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please�.Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.�Fine�, God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. �What�s left here?� �Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.�
Lawyer One Liners #5
** What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.
Round for the house
A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUNDS FOR THE HOUSE,
and have one yourself, too!”
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks
back a shot himself.
“That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies,
“I don’t have a plug nickel�.
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the
street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE
HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!”
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come
in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous
night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back him.
“Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight�,
The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out
of, sorry to say�.
The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as
he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.
The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s
working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.”
Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time.
“What, nothing for me this time?”
“Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”
A liberal and a genie
A liberal came upon a genie and said, “You’re a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?” The genie replied, “Yes, but only if you’re feeling generous enough to share your good fortune.” The liberal said, “I’m a liberal. I’m always happy to share.” The genie said, “O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I’ll give every conservative in the country two of it. What’s your first wish?” “I would like a new sports car.” “O.K., you’ve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What’s your second wish?” “I’d like a million dollars.” “O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What’s your third and final wish?” “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”
Fairy Tales
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”
And he replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…'”
Speech Impediment
Q: What is the blonde’s chronic speech impediment?
A: She can’t say “No”.
Sign outside a new town
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Under Oath
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
L-A-O
On a piece of paper, write:
L
A
O
Write it just like above on a piece of paper. Make sure that
there is no space like it shows on your screen (it shows a space
between the letters on screen). So when you write on the piece
of paper make sure they are connecting, but not right under each
other. Now turn it upside down and look at it. If you don’t see
it add a face to the O while the picture is still upside down.