Yours Fun Portal !
So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”
The bartender obliges him.
The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”
So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he
had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more
beers.
So the bartender asks, “What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?”
So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife
gets.”
How do you know Princess Diana didn’t have dandruff?
They found “Head and Shoulders” on the wind shield.
Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who
was his wife’s half sister?
Thomas Jefferson
Confucius Says:
Whore who sits on judges lap gets honorable discharge
yo mamma sucks and blows like a vacume cleaner
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. ‘If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,’ boasts Gates, ‘you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,’ says Gates.
‘Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,’ he continues.
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, ‘Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?’
I knocked several times, but you weren’t in. – Opportunity
2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, “Silence in court!”
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, “Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, “OK.”
“Well,” said Paddy, “after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.”
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, “God, that must have hurt!”
“Hurt?” Paddy replies. “He broke three of my fingers!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here? “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my’ gator.”
In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head?
A2: No.
I humbly suggest that you may wish to share this with all of the E-Mail lists in which you participate. You may also wish to keep a copy send to correspondents who forget these suggestions.E-Mail Facts Of Life1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on ‘just in case it’s true’. Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that ‘we checked it out and it’s legit’, does not actually make it true.2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: ‘The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have.’ That’s ‘none’ as in ‘zero’. Not even your friend’s cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn’t really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don’t, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb. 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? 6. There is no ‘Good Times’ virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any E-Mail containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com/ or http://www.symantec.com. 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you’re probably going to Hell. 8. If you’re using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write E-Mail, turn off the ‘HTML encoding.’ [hear, hear!] Those of us on Unix shells can’t read it, and don’t care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you’re probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who’s received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn’t hurt to get rid of all the ‘>’ that begin each line [I do that!]. Besides, if it has gone around that many times – we’ve probably already seen it. 10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a ‘little boy’ either. Nor can you get into the Guinness Book of World Records this way anymore (the rules were rewritten specifically to prevent this.)
Knock KnockWho’s there?Wash!Wash who?Wash you there , Fred!