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A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
“I don’t like that new boyfriend, he’s rough and common and bloody stupid with it.”
“Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His
co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward
silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot,
leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like the Chinese.”
“You don’t like the Chinese?” asks the copilot, “why not?”
“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”
“No, no,” the copilot protests, “the Chinese didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor! That
was the Japanese.”
“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese…doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!”
There are a few minutes of silence.
“I don’t like Jews!!” the co-pilot suddenly announces.
“Why not?” asks the captain?
“The Jews sank the Titanic.”
“Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the captain, “it was an iceberg!”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no matter…they’re all same!”
Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Knock KnockWho’s there?Italy!Italy who?Italy be a big job!
Glasses you use to read books by during the television commercials.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
They asked 75,000 women in America would they like to sleep with
Bill?
99% said: NEVER AGAIN!
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even
when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by
his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your
father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father
promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to
your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when
he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by
saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail,
opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One
says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where
to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He
flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the
night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”
“Yes,” the other bat answers.
“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”
Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered,”What do you say…Should we?” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”
Q. How do you Scare a Man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.
Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
A. Exchange him.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. How do you get a man to exercise?
A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know. It’s never happened.
Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A. Because, even back then men wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.
Q. What is a man’s idea of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. Men are like vacations….
A. they never seem to be long enough.
Q. Men are like computers….
A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Q. Men are like coolers….
A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Q. Men are like horoscopes….
A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Q. Men are like plungers….
A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q. Men are like laxatives….
A. they irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Men are like parking spots….
A. the good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.
Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?
A. They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
Q. Why are men like tile floors?
A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.
Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A. “How come?”
Q. What’s the definition of a teenager?
A. God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A. They’ll never see you coming.
Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A. S&M&M.
Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A. Both capture the moment.
Q. Define Transvestite:
A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole!
Q. What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
A. There’d be too many thank you notes to write.
Q. What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A. Two Mennonite!
Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A. If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A. Is it in?
Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo machine.
Q. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One … Men will screw anything.
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ ‘Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.’ Jack thought to himself, ‘This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made.’ ‘Okay Bob. you’re on.’ Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, ‘Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.’ Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. ‘What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.’ ‘Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.’ ‘Yeah, what about him.’ ‘Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn’t you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.’