Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Lightbulbs? C’mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
Author: admin
Clinton one-liner
I don’t trust President Clinton or her husband.
Se apersonan altos funcionarios de
Se apersonan altos funcionarios de Coca Cola ante Su Santidad en el Vaticano para hacerle una propuesta: “Su Santidad, le ofrecemos un mill�n de d�lares mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a.”
El Santo Padre responde: “No podemos hacer eso Hijo M�o.”
Tras unos meses, vuelven a visitar el Vaticano con otra propuesta: “Su Santidad nuestra empresa le ofrece 10 millones de d�lares mensuales para cambiar en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a…” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a.” A lo que el Santo Padre responde: “De ninguna manera podemos hacer eso Hijo M�o…”
Insistentes, los ejecutivos de la refresquera consiguen otra cita con el Sumo Pont�fice, y le presentan una nueva oferta: “Su Santidad nuestra empresa ha decidido ofrecerle a su Iglesia la cantidad de 100 millones mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a ” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a…”
El Santo Padre voltea hacia su Secretario y le pregunta:
“�En qu� fecha termina nuestro contrato con los panaderos?”
The Leprechaun
A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can’t help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.
He says to the short man, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice what a large penis you have.” The short man replies, “I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.”
The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. “OK, “He says, “I want to live in a mansion.” The short man replies, “Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.”
The man says, “Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.” “OK, “the short man replies, “Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.” The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.
“I want a penis as large as yours.” “Alright, but the is one catch, the short man replies. “What’s that, the man asks?” “I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.
The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. “OK, go right ahead.” The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, “I can’t believe I’m gonna have a penis as big as yours.”
The short man replies, “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”
Wife helps out the cop
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What’s the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Bitch and Bastard
A boy is at home with his parents but they start to have a fight. The mum says you bastard so the boy asks, what a bastard is, his mum says that its another name for husband. Then his dad says you bitch, the boy asks what a bitch is, his dad says that its another name for wife.
A few minutes later his mum is putting make-up on until she says shit because she has got it on her dress, again the boy asks, what shit means. His mm says that it means putting make-up. He goes downstairs where his dad is stuffing the chiccken until he gets his hand stuck and says fuck. Again the boy asks what it means. His dad says that it is another meaning for stuffing the chicken.
Not long after the mailman comes to the door and asks if his parents were home. The boy says yes and then the mailman asks where they are.
The boy says, the bitch is upstairs in the bedroom puuting shit on her face and the bastards in the kitchen fucking the chicken.
A new husband is like a girl’s father?
If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
Cricket
If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have? A bloody big cricket.
Cat food
One breakfast time, little Rivkah�s mum asks her, �What do cats eat for
breakfast, darling?�
�I don�t know, mum.�
�Mice Crispies�
Jolly Nick
Why is Santa Clause so jolly?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One Smart Redneck!
“Hello, is this the FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?””I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.””Thank you very much for the call, sir.”The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.”Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?””Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?””Yep.””Merry Christmas Buddy”
The absolute worst things to say to a Police Officer
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
“Bad Cop! No Donut!”
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
“Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.”
“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”
Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?
Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nitestand
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee,officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
“Aren’t you the guy from the village people”
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, man, you want a hit?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?