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The Top 12 Signs You’re Living in a Sitcom

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12> Every room in the house has only three walls.

11> Every time your neighbor drops by, you hear applause.

10> You get paid for product placement.

9> A bunch of celebrities visit you during sweeps week.

8> Every time you get your date to the couch, Don Knotts knocks on your door.

7> You haven’t had sex for weeks because of that damn laughter.

6> Three months in New York City and all you’ve seen are young attractive white people.

5> Every line you utter is followed by laughter, but you’re not George W. Bush.

4> There’s always a parking spot in front of any place you decide to go.

3> People actually laugh at your jokes.

2> Lots of humorous talk about sex but you never actually have any, so you’re either in a sitcom or you’re a TopFive contributor.

1> You’re a fat, balding, blue-collar worker in the Midwest, but your wife is totally hot and your three best friends are, respectively, black, Latino and gay.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Polak Meets Priest

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A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, “Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?”

The priest laughed, “Because, my son, I am a Father!”

The Polak scratched his head. “But I am a father too, and I don’t wear my shirt backwards!”

Again the priest laughed. “But I am a Father of thousands!”

To which the Polak replied, “Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!”

Mommy?

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one day a boy said mommy how old are you and the mom said thats one thing you never ask a woman, and then the boy said mommy how much do you weight? and the mom said thats one thing you never ask a woman, and then he said mommy why did you and daddy get divorced? and she said once agian thats something you never ask a woman…so the boy left to look at her drivers liscenes and came back and said mommmy i know how old you are really? replied the mom, he said yea 25 years old and then he said mommy i know how much you weigh too…and the mom replied really? and the boy said yes 130 lbs then the mom said and im guessing you know why me and daddy got a divorece right??? and the boy said right, because you got an F in sex.

Osama in hell

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Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” the devil says. “You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…

I’ve got a couple of people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” bin Laden said, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day,” bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

Haircuts — The difference between men and women

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Women’s version:

—————————

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

———————-

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

M&Ms For Halloween

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On Halloween a black boy and girl went to their neighbor’s house
dressed as Hansel and Gretel. The neighbor said” You guys can’t
be Hansel and Gretel. You guys are black.

“So they went back to their house and dressed up as Santa Claus
and Rudolph. They went to their neighbor’s house and he said
“You guys can’t be Santa Claus and Rudolph. You guys are black.

“So they went back to their house and when they got dressed up
they went back to their neighbor’s house. When he opened the
door he gasped because they we’re nude. He asked them, “What are
you?” And the girl said, “We’re M&Ms. I’m Plain and he’s got
Nuts.”

The Nun and the Bus Driver

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One day a bus driver was driving down the street when a he picked up a nun. He started driving when the nun started bawling her eyes out. “What’s wrong” the bus driver. “Oh its just that I’m a 95 year old woman who’s about to die and I’ve never been laid.” “Gee I wish there was something I could do” said the bus driver. “Well as a matter of fact” said the nun “You could fuck me, but could you screw me in my ass so I’ll be remembered as a virgin.” So the bus driver started fucking her. “I have a confession to make” said the driver, “I’m a thirty-five year old man with a wife and kids” “I have a confession to make too,” said the nun, “I’m a thirty-five year old man going to a costume party.”-Andrew K-B

Black Box

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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris.

When the captain of the plane announces, “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy asks, “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”

Claudia responds, “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces. Which is why I am putting on my make-up.”

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!”

Cindy responds, “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts. Which is why I am exposing my tits!”

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle.

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, “Naomi, are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”

Calmly, Naomi responds, “Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis