Author: admin

The Exam

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The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn’t very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.

Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room.

This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn’t help him at all.

He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said “pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room”.

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty … almost an hour after the test was “officially over”, our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited)

It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

“Turning in my exam,” retorted the student confidently.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” the professor gloated, “Your exam is an hour late. You’ve FAILED it and, consequently, I’ll see you next term when you repeat my course.”

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor “Do you know who I am?”

“What?” replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, “Do you know what my name is?”

“NO”, snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, “I didn’t think so”, as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

Bush vs. Osama

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Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 ” thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund—but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing,”, said Bush. “We had Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.” GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

Conquests

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During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, “You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve made love to every woman in this room.”

To which his friend responded, “Well then, between the two of us we’ve had them all!”

A Tallahassee area mortician had

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A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. “Sir, you’ve got to
come down and help me, I’ve just seen something I can’t believe.”

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. “There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldn’t imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it.”

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: “What’s so surprising about that. I’ve heard
thousands of assholes sing that song.”

That Question!

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The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said. “And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

Dude Ranch

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My wife and I went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

When he told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”

I’m just trying to be helpful

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A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

Experience

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A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued, “Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.”

“Your Honor,” the plaintiff’s lawyer retorted, “if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis