Yours Fun Portal !
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, “I’ll grant you one wish . . . but i won’t sleep with you.”
Guy says, “Ok then, how ’bout a little head?”
What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handlebars.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Q. What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the
factory?
A. Two test tickles.
Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
Because if it were small, white, and smooth it would be an asprin.
Estos eran dos ratones que andaban por la carretera, en eso pasa un tr�iler y el chofer tira un cigarro de marihuana, entonces le dice un rat�n al otro, “Mira vamos a darle una fumadita”, y el otro rat�n le contesta, “No, yo no le hago a eso” “Bueno, �pues yo s� le fumo!” Y que se pone bien loco. Despu�s de dos toques, el m�ndigo rat�n se cre�a Superm�n. En eso ven�a otro tr�iler por la carretera y dice el rat�n que fum� al otro:
“Vas a ver c�mo te paro ese tr�iler con una mano”.
Y le dice el otro: “No chingues, no seas g�ey; te van a aplastar”.
“�Vas a ver!, le contesta el otro, y diciendo y haciendo, se pone en medio de la calle con una mano haciendo alto y con la otra en la cintura.
En eso, que se le poncha una llanta al tr�iler y por buena suerte que se para en la mera mano del rat�n.
Cuando se para el tr�iler, se baja el chofer y dice: �Me lleva la madre! Voy a tener que sacar el gato.
Y dice el rat�n:
“Ni me amenaces g�ey. �Que te volteo el pinche tr�iler!”
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.Finally he asked, ”Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?””Well, yes, I did once.””Well, how did she look?””Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!”At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ”Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?””She was watching us through the window.”
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Talks with God.
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Treads water.
Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually.
Rides the rails.
Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says “Look at the choo-choo”.
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself THE DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She IS God.
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced.”OK,” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “MAN, That is the ugliest baby I’ve EVER seen!”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Hey! He’s a public servant and he shouldn’t say things to insult the passengers.”
“You’re right!” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey!”
There’s this cathedral that’s still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a “cage elevator” inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these “cage elevators” is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be “called” to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: “Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!”