Mountaintop Guru:
“Life is like… life.
… But not exactly.”
Author: admin
Just before Rosh Hashana, a
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won’t give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they’re going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they’re not really a bad bunch, they’ll grant each hostage one
wish.
“Please,” says the rabbi, “for the last two months I’ve been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I’ll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It’s
an hour – ninety minutes long, tops.”
They promise to grant him the wish.
“Please,” says the cantor, “after 50 years I’ve finally gotten the
‘Hinneni’ prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an
audience. It’s only about 45 minutes long – then I’ll go happily.”
The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to
the shul president.
“Please,” says the president with tears in his eyes, “Shoot me first!”
The new French cook
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.
Happy Birthday
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying “Ehh… 23!”.
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot three!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Stephanie”.
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?”
“Ohh that!” replies the blonde, “That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…'”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Ears
A little boy was out trick or treating one Halloween dressed as a pirate.
A lady opened the door and looked at him and said, “You’re a cute little pirate. Where are your buccaneers?”
He looked at her and said, “Under my buckin’ hat, lady.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Cows Go
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Cows go. Cows go who. No no no. Cows go moo not who!
End of the World Reports
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
‘BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
Mary had a little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
with which she used to sleep
too late she found it was a ram
and now she has a little lamb
Appropriate Penance
A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. “We’ve got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth…can you make it?”
Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn’t many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.
“Hey, Joe…can you help me out??” He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.
“Oh, no I wouldn’t have any idea what to do!!”.
“Joe, don’t worry…I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card…find the sin…and follow it over to the appropriate penance…it’s that simple…here comes the first penetant…try it!!”
So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen…”Bless me Father…I have sinned…I have had impure thoughts.”
Joe looks at the list…finds “Impure Thoughts” and orders: “Say two
Our Fathers, three Hail Marys.and go forth and sin no more.”
“Thank you, Father,”replies the penetant.
Hey…this is easy!!
The next one comes in. “Bless me father. I have sinned. I have
fornicated.”
Fornication…fornication…can’t find it…oh there it is on the back.
“Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.”.
“Thank you, Father”.
Then the third arrives. “Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex.”
Oral sex? Oral sex? It’s not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass.
“Pssst…Jimmy…c’mere!! What does Father O’Brien give for Oral Sex?”
The boy replies…”A Snickers and a Coke. Why?
Microwave Oven…
- Microwave Oven (noun)
- Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food
placed within the cooking compartment.
The L O N G drive to work
One guy’s story… I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything stupid to me or near me in traffic; and here’s why… I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of which 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for just the 32 miles that traffic is bumper to bumper. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars, plus the rest of my 34 mile commute which is not bumper-to-bumper, where I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. . . . That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.
Unbearable Lightness of Being
One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that
baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . “Whats wrong?” the judge asked baby bear.
“I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!” said baby bear.
“Then, you can live with papa bear” said the judge.
Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, “Whats wrong?” Baby
bear replied, ” I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than
mama bear does.”
“Then who do you want to live with?” asked the judge.
Baby bear replied, “I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don’t
beat anyone!”