Author: admin

Why didn’t the black man want to marry the Mexican?

– He didn’t want his kids to grow up too lazy to steal.

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a
European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady
who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to
her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old–who looked
like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across
from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a
highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the
Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about
trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there
they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound
of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud
slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly
with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in
this permissive day and age there are still young women who have
a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked
herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want
to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any
woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to
sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a
crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the
back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and
get away with it!”

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care…

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors… Absolutely nothing!

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .

I’m wondering… If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the storeroom.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

‘What for?’ he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, ‘Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!’

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. ‘That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.’

The young man replied, ‘I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.’

Un tipo estaba en la sala mirando un partido de f�tbol con su inseparable cerveza entre las piernas.

Su hijo quer�a ver una pel�cula que se llamaba “Terremoto”. As� que el hijo fue a la sala y le dijo a su pap�:

“Pap�, quiero ver Terremoto.”

Y el pap� le contesta:

“�Qu� no te basta con verme repedo!”

Una se�ora viaja en un taxi acompa�ada de su hija de cinco a�os. Al pasar por una esquina, la chiquilla ve a unas prostitutas y pregunta:

“Oye, mam�, �qui�nes son esas se�oras?”

Nerviosa, la mujer responde:

“Son se�oras que est�n esperando que sus maridos salgan de trabajar, hijita”.

El taxista, que ven�a escuchando todo, se dirige a la madre:

“�Chingado, se�ora, d�gale la verdad: son prostitutas!”

Se hace un tenso silencio. En eso, la ni�a lanza otra pregunta:

“Oye, mami, �y las prostitutas pueden tener hijos?”

“�Pues claro! �De d�nde crees que salen los pinches taxistas?”