Two girls were discussing pranks they had played on people in the past while waiting for a bus. After they boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, “Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.”Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.”My dear Mr. Wilson,” she gushed, “fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you’re almost a stranger. My, but I’m tired.”The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, “Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn’t often I see you on washday. No wonder you’re tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney’s office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail.”
Author: admin
Wrestling Match
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheep from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!
When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. “You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
When God created Canada!
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said “Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty – it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”
God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”
“No, not really.” God replied…
“Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!”
Grandma and Grandpa argument
Grand pa and grand ma were sitting on the porch rocking one day, when grand ma looked over at grand pa and slapped him up side the head.Grand pa shook the cobwebs out of his head and said ” Ma , what was that for?, Grand ma looked at grand pa and told him ” That’s for having a small dick!”Grand pa nodded his head in disgrace. Then he stood up and knocked the hell out of grand ma. She picked herself up from the floor , set up her rocking chair, looked at grand pa with a shocked look and said “Pa , what was that for?”Pa stood up and said ” THAT’S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE ! “
When Men Rule the Wo
The Way Things Will Be When Men Finally Rule the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.” Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.” Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!” Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. “Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kelli would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.” It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year. Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.” Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Knock-knock
knock-knock
whos their
fuck
fuck who
fuck you just open the door
Quarrel between a couple
During a drive, there was a quarrel between a couple. Both kept mum for sometime until they drove through a green field and they happened to pass through a herd of goats,dogs and sheep. The male immediately told that “see ur relatives are very busy grazing and barking” she immediately replied “yes, unluckily i am married in their family”.
Give an example of tragedy
Give an example of tragedy
Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ”tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, ”if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.
”No,” Winston says, ”That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. ”If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. ”I’m afraid not, ”explains Winston, ”that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ”What?” asks Winston, ”isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: ”If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy”.
”Wonderful!” Winston beams. ”Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” ”Well,” says the boy, ”because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”
Your so fat kokes
Your so fat when you dived of the diving board the water moved out of the way.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians)
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Man In Bar
A man walks into and sits down at the bar. He picks up some peanuts and eats them. The peanuts (as he`s eating them) say ” You are a really handsome man, I`m so pleased to be eaten by someone as intelligent, goodlooking and charming as you”.
After a couple of drinks the man goes to the cigarette machine, on putting his money in the machine shouts ” What the hell are YOU doing here? We don`t want people like you in this place, get out you obnoxious piece of filth!!”
On hearing this the man complains to the barman. The barman explains ” I`m VERY sorry sir, the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.
Welshmen
Two welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck.
The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other “Hey, boyo, this is too good an oppertunity to pass up.”
So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes.
When he’s finally finished he looks round to his mate and says, “That was bloody marvellouse. D’you fancy a go?”
“Bloody right i do!” grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence.