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Kyle and Emmitt, two University of Miami students, were strolling along Miami
Beach during spring break. Suddenly a seagull flying overhead dropped a load.
It hit Kyle right in the eye.
“I’ll go get some toilet paper,” offered Emmett.
“Don’t bother,” said Kyle, “He’s probably already miles away by now!”
Goes Without Saying:
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel ‘sophisticated’ but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.
The older you get, the better you realize you used to be.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is the price we pay for maturity.
Experience is the price we pay for immaturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Three guys are sitting at a bar: One from Hawaii, one from California, and one from New York. The guy from Hawaii says, “Where I come from people are so nice that after you’ve had two drinks at the bar the guy next to you will buy you your third.”The guy from California thinks about this for a second and says, “Well that’s nothing where I come from, after you’ve had one drink the guy next to you will by you your second.” The man from New York thinks about this and then replies, “Yeah well, where I come from you sit down at the bar and the guy next to you buys you your first, second, third and fourth drink, takes you around the town in their Mustang, and then take you home and lay you till next Sunday!” The two men look at him amazed as the man takes a sip of his beer and then says, “Well at least that’s what my sister tells me!”Adam
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert.
The Dutchman says: “I’ll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.”
The German says: “I’ll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!”
The Belgian remains silent.
Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. “What’s that?” they both shout.
The Belgian answers: “It’s a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot…”
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?’ A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It’s my dog. Why?’ ‘Well,’ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.’ ‘What?’ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What in the hell kind of dog do you have?’ ‘Sir,’ answered the little man, ‘It’s a four week old puppy.’ ‘Bull!’ roared the biker, ‘How could your puppy kill my Doberman?’ ‘It appears that he choked on it, sir.’
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
What is black, blue and brown? A blonde who has told too many blonde jokes.
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing ’em.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
“Name’s Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin’ a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” Sam says, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks, thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops. “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Damn!” Sam thinks, “tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run.”
“Well,” he says, “I get along with people. I’ll be there, thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties too.”
“Now that is not a problem,” says Sam, “remember, I’ve been alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want…it’s just gonna be the two of us.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.
The doctor said “Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.”
The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.
He said, “I haven’t won any prizes, but I’ve started free clinics and helped those in need for free.” St. Peter let him in.
The third doctor said, “I’m responsible for all the HMO’s across the United States.”
St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, “OK…
I’ll let you in, but only for three days!”
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they
got
married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam’.
Of
course,
they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about
the
facts
of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she
wouldn’t
get
accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot
Potato’,
and
end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
make a
rotten
potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home
and
become
a
Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as
not to be
skinny
like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to
watch out
for
the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from
France
called
the
French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the
Indians
so
she
wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t
associate
with those high class Yukon Golds. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam
to
Idaho
P.U.
(that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d
really be
in
the
Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and
announced
she
was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato
were
very
upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because
he’s
just
a…
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
Common Tater
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”
Priest says: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest says, “What did you do?”
Man says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest asks, “How many times?”
Man replys, “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi says, “What did you do?”
Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi asks, “How many times?”
Woman says “Once.”
Rabbi says, “Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”