Author: admin

Johnny and Bill

Posted on by admin

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this. The teacher says, “Whoever answers
the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here.
I’m smart and will answer the question.”

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham
Lincoln.” The teacher said “That’s right Susie, you can go
home.” Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther
King”. The teacher said, “That’s right Mary, you can go.” Johnny
was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do
for you’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John
F.Kennedy”. The teacher said, “That’s right Nancy, you may also
leave.”

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to
any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, “I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turned around and asked, “WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny said, “BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?”

Manners

Posted on by admin

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. “Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?”

The old man calmly replied, “No, son, the pigs don’t!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Hippie in a Bar

Posted on by admin

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it’s a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, “I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.”

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, “Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.”

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. “Anything else,” he questions. The hippie replies, “Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.”

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, “Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!”

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. “That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?” “Yeah,” the hippie says, “but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.”

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

“You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!”

Alphabet For Homework

Posted on by admin

One day when jimmy was at school, the teacher told him that for his homework
he had to write out the first three letters of the alphabet.

when he went home he was struggling so decided to ask his mum. his mum was in
the kitchen cutting the salad when he asked her “mum, what is the first letter
of the alphabet?”
just as he had finished asking this question his mum sliced her finger open
and shouted “s***!!!”
jimmy wrote this down and went outside to see his older brother.

he asked him “big brother, whet is the second letter of the alphabet?”
his brother was crouched on the floor talking to a drugged up teenager and
jimmy heard him say “only if you give me some heroin!”

jimmy wrote this down and went into the living room and saw his little sister
watching superman.
“sister, what is the third letter of the alphabet?”
his sisters eyes were fixed on the the tv and she ignored jimmy. “superman!!!”
she shouted out in excitment.

the next day when jimmy went into school the teacher asked him if he had done
his homework.
jimmy then shouted out “s***!!!” (the first letter of the alphabet.)

his teacher was very angry and shouted “right young man, you’re going to the
head teacher!”
and jimmy replied by saying “only if you give me some heroin!” the teacher’s
face went red with anger and dragged jimmy to the head teacher’s office by his
ear. when jimmy and the teacher were in the head teacher’s office the
headteacher asked, “who do you think you, are young man?”

so jimmy shouted “superman!!!!!”

How the Angel got on the tree!

Posted on by admin

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Philippe the Fighter Pilot

Posted on by admin

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says, ‘Philippe, kiss me!’Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.’What are you doing, Philippe?’ says the startled Marie.’I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!’She smiles and they start kissing.When things began to heat up little, Marie says, ‘Philippe, kiss me lower.’Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.’Philippe! What are you doing?’ asks the bewildered Marie.’I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!’They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Philippe, kiss me lower!’Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, ‘PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?’Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says, ‘I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!’

The Top 14 Worst Rollercoaster Names

Posted on by admin

14. The Dependsinator

13. The Made-in-Taiwan Space Shuttle

12. The Personal Liability Waiver Lawyercoaster

11. Dr. Kevorkian’s Wild “Head Toward The Light” ride

10. Wild Bill’s InternSpinner Career Slide

9. It’s a Small World Full of Leprosy

8. Your 401(k)’s Value Ride

7. “Get Aboard, Ya Scabs!” — The Roller Coaster Built By Non-Union Carpenters

6. Puke of Hurl

5. The Janet Reno Mattress Mambo

4. The Deadly Olestra DoubleEnder

3. The Crooked Safety Inspector’s Crazy Kickbackcoaster

2. The OprahWeight

1. The Hello Kitty Strawberry Shortcake Care Bears BarbieCoaster

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]