A man decided to go for a hike in the mountains, but when he got to the beginning of the trail, he was confronted by an old Indian who told him, “There are birds up in the mountains called Foo’s and they love flying right into people, and it hurts like hell. But if any of them hits you, do not, i repeat, DO NOT swear, because if you do, a whole flock will come and attack you.” So the man continued his hike, and all of a sudden, he was hit in the forehead by a Foo, and he said, “OOOWWWW! Geez, that hurt!” But he remembered what the Indian said, and he didn’t swear. A few minutes later, he was hit by another Foo in the exact same spot, but he still didn’t swear. He continued his hike once again, and he was hit by a gigantic Foo. This time he swore, “AWW SHIT, DAMNIT THAT FU*KIN HURTS!” and suddenly, a whole flock of Foo’s flew to him and starting hitting him and scratching him and pecking him. Soon, he was dead. The moral of the story is: “If the Foo hit’s, bear it”
Author: admin
Mark of Respect
Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
“That was a nice gesture,” says the other man
“Oh”, replies the first man, “It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years �.
Mistaken Identity
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up, and
knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, Do you, Batman!”
Growing old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8 ) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
10) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
11) Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Big circle little circle
Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says
that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the
weekend that they would be found innocent.
That monday the judge said to the first one how many people
did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said
very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle
and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain
after doing drugs. The Judge said ok; how about you he said
while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500
people to stop. The Judge said How in God’s name did you get so
many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle
and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail.
Full
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Q: How many quantum
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: They can’t. When they get the socket to hold still, they can’t find it.
Redneck computer term
Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Q. What do you call a Playboy centerfold…
Q. What do you call a Playboy centerfold that is a lesbian?
A. Bitch.
Snail Tracks
Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So that they wouldn’t leave tracks like snails!
Ways A Nerd Can Impress
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date
10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
4. If you’re getting serious, consider a set of “his ‘n’ her” system unit keys.
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date’s laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.
1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, “What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?
10 Fun Things To Do at the Mall
1.) Get a white sweater in a very large size and tie it around
one of your friends. Have them run through people screaming, “I
SWEAR, IT’S TRUE!! TINY GREEN KNOMES STOLE MY UNDERPaNTS!!!!”
2.) Stand outside an elevator and inside a store. Run out as
fast as you can go, and if the elevator doors are open, run in
and press buttons rapidly. Then when the doors close, sigh
relaxingly. If the doors are closed, pound on them and scream,
“No, no!!!!” Then push the buttons rapidly. Have a muscular or
large friend drag you off to the bathrooms while you scream,
“No, I wont!! I wont do it!!!!! I WONT!!!!!!!”
3.) Dress yourself (If you’re a male) or another male friend
head to toe in womens ‘delicates’. Have them (or you) run out
of the store, saying, “They said it couldn’t be done, and I did
it!! My name is forever braman!!!!”
4.) Sing made up elevator music.
5.) While wearing pajamas, sucking on your thumb, and holding a
stuffed animal closely, sit on a bed in a department store and
when someone looks funny at you, say “I had nightmares . . .”
6.) While in a department store’s shoe department, have a male
try on a pair of high heels and say “Is this too manly?” to
another male friend. Talk back and forth having a ‘man to man’
conversation.
7.) Bring a camera and whenever you see a slut, take pictures of
them while circling them and saying, “Yes, yes, there’s the look
baby! Beautiful!! Come on, gimme a smile, there ya go!!!”
Speak in a British accent.
8.) When someone orders food from the food court, ask them,
“Wow, that smells good, where’d you get it?” Before they can
answer, pick up some and lick it. Then throw it back on their
plate and say, “Yuck! Never mind!”
9.) Ask people annonymosly, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”
10.) While sitting near a young female on a bench, look down at
your private and poke it saying, “Crap, c’mon boy, we almost
nailed her . . .”