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There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert – Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.
They have been there for one week when they finally come across a dead camel.
The Man United players say ‘As we’re
Manchester United, we’ll have the chest.’
The Liverpool players say ‘As we’re LIVERpool, we’ll have the liver.’
‘We’re not hungry,’ say the Arsenal players.
Two nuns were driving down the road and a vampire jumps down in front of the car. So one nun says to the other “Show him your cross!” So she leans out the window and shouts “GET OUT THE WAY YOU TOOTHY SON OF A BITCH!!”
Un tipo va a una bodega y le dice al bodeguero:
“Oye, dame un rollo de papel higi�nico.”
El bodeguero le pregunta:
“�Lo quiere con doble hoja?”
Y el tipo le contesta:
“No, d�melo de una sola hoja, pues yo cuando me limpio el culo no guardo copia.”
A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the
word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”
First little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The
teacher says, “Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange
depending on the weather.”
Second, a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.” “Sorry,
but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold,” said the
teacher.
Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,
“Does a fart have lumps?” The teacher looks horrified and says,
“Johnny! That’s disgusting. Of course not!” “OK… then I have
definitely shit in my pants,” said Johnny.
Tratando de escapar de la polic�a, un ladr�n entra a un centro comercial. El capit�n ordena a los uniformados:
“Quiero que me cubran todas las salidas. �No quiero que se escape!”
Los guardianes del orden cubren todas las salidas del centro comercial; sin embargo, el ratero escapa.
“�Mi capit�n, el ladr�n se nos escap�!”
“��Qu� no les dije que cubrieran todas la salidas?!”, responde furioso el jefe.
“Es que el muy vivo se escap� por la entrada”.
The virgin forest, pregnant with natural wealth, was the only part
of the state where the hand of man had not set foot.
What kinds of people don’t get invited to blonde parties?
Women!
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.
A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.
“Why are you here?” he asked the Jew. “I ate pork,” the Jew admitted.
“Okay, come on in,” replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.
“What are you doing here?” Satan asked the Catholic. “I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay,” the Catholic answered. “Well,
then, come in,” Satan said.
Then he looked at the Episcopalian. “Why on earth are you down here?”
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered,
“I used the wrong fork.”
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52…F-16…A-10
Q: What is Iraq’s national bird ?
A: Duck
Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map….
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.”What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Screw you, Asshole. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”
What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?
Bullshit.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci