Knock KnockWho’s there?Walt!Walt who?Walt till your father gets home!
Author: admin
Good men
What do good men and parking places have in common??
They’re either all taken or they’re handicapped!!!!!!
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones at once.
DDT
A mosquito cried out in pain: “A chemist has poisoned my brain!” The cause of his sorrow was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]
Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams
Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 42.
The bar!
Man walks into a bar.Ouch!
El cura del pueblo, sumamente
El cura del pueblo, sumamente enojado, se queja al rabino:
“Alguno de tus feligreses me ha robado la bicicleta”.
“�Y por qu� crees que ha sido alguno de mis feligreses?”
“�Qu� cat�lico le va ha robar la bicicleta a un sacerdote?”
“No s�. Mira, vamos a hacer lo siguiente: yo el s�bado y t� el domingo, cuando demos el serm�n, hablaremos sobre los diez mandamientos. Seguro que cuando hablemos sobre el ‘No robar�s’, quien lo haya hecho se arrepentir� y te devolver� la bicicleta”.
As� que quedan de acuerdo en hacer lo antes dicho y reencontrarse el lunes siguiente.
“Dime, �hiciste lo que pactamos?”, pregunta el rabino.
“S�, fue una gran idea”.
“�Te devolvieron la bicicleta?”
“�No, que va, pero la he recuperado de todas formas, lo que pas� es que cuando llegu� al ‘No fornicar�s’ me acord� en donde estaba la bicicleta!”
Waiter! There’s a fly in my joke!
The discovery of fly in the soup can mean different reponses to different diners in different countries. In France the soup if eaten and the fly is left high and dry on the side of the plate. In Enlgand the fly is quietly and discreetly removed and hidden under a serviette. In Australia the soup is sent back to the kitchen, the fly is removed and the same soup returned. In America the soup and the fly are subpoenaed as evidence for the ensuing litigation. In Italy the diner storms into the kitchen and cuts up the chef. In the Orient the fly is eaten first and washed down by the soup. In Scotland the fly is wrung out and then the soup is consumed. In Israel the bill is quickly amended. The fly is extra. In India the diner complains; “Waiter, what’s this? Only one fly?”
Gone Fishin’
A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department
store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you
when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came
around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One” said the young salesman.
“Only one” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?”
“One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars” said the
young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him,”Your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.”
The unflapable Irish
Three Englishmen were over in Dublin watching the Rugby, after
the game they decided to go for a drink or three. They soon
came across a quiet pub with no-one else in it and thought that
this was as good a place as anywhere to start drinking. After a
couple of hours and the alcohol was just starting to take effect
a man walked in to the empty bar. He walked up to the barman,
and in a strong Irish accent asked for a pint of guiness.
Well the three Enlglishmen were now a little bored so one of
them turned to his two friends “I bet that even though the Irish
are supposed to be friendly in the extreme, I’ll be able to
annoy that man with just a few words”. With that he walked up
to the Irishman at the bar and tapped him on the shoulder, “Hey
Mate, did you know that your St. Patrick was a sissy”
“Well I never” said the Irishman “thank you for telling me”.
With that the Englishman walked back to his mates and shrugged
his shoulders. One of his mates then stood up “watch me, and
I’ll show you how it should be done” with That he walked up to
the Irishman and said “Het mate, did you know that St. Patrick
was a Transvestite”
“Your joking” answered the Irishman ” I never new that, thank
you or telling me” With that the second Englishman returned
bemused to his friends.
The Third Englishman then got up “Wacth how a pro does it” He
walked and stood at the bar beside the Irishman, then glancing
over he says “Hey mate, St Patrick, he was an Englishman you
know”
The Irishman the turned to face the Englishman and laid his hand
on his shoulder and said “Aye, your mates were just saying”
Another
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
An Ode To Bubba
‘Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore. The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play. When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder. Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There’s a special report,
And it’s pre-empting M*A*S*H! And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil’ troll,
With tapes for us to hear. With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy ‘do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you. On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest. The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer. And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she’d just kept her mouth shut,
We’d not have all this trouble. And thus set in motion,
A whole web o’ spiders,
With pundits galore,
And “White House insiders. You ask, “Who would care
About Bill and his penis?”
Republican Ken Starr,
And he’s armed with subpoenas! More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
“Here’s one for you!
And for you! And you, too!” “Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let’s subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!” “We want you to tell us
About Bill’s private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
‘cept, of course, his wife.” And many months later,
After long we’ve all suffered,
Let’s examine more closely
Just what Starr’s uncovered. We’ve learned “Little Bill”
Has a mind of his own,
And – horror of horrors –
He likes to get blown! A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don’t care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to. The economy’s great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing! Now the public’s grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To “E.R.”, and to “Friends.” Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck –
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.