- Murphy’s Laws of Sex
- No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it,
because it’ll never be quite the same again.
Author: admin
The Mexican the Texan and the Russian
Theres a Mexican, a Texan, and a Russian on a cruise ship in the Carribean and a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks. The Russian grabs the Vodka and throws it over-board saying, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!* The Mexican grabs the Tequila and throws it over-board exclaiming, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!* The Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him over-board cursing, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!*
Blonde Again….
Q: what do you call a blonde in a closet?
A: The 1925 Hide-and-seek CHAMPION!
Sex And Calories
How much weight do we lose during sex?
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
EXAMPLES:
1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit card): 15 If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES With partner’s consent: 12 Without partner’s consent: 187 Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner’s ear: 15 Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100 You don’t mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top; man hiding): 15 American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don’t have a leg cramp: 612 Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5 Toupee slips off (if partner didn’t know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing cigarette (in partner’s leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 Expression didn’t change: 0.5 Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX “I am so grateful”: 15 “It must have been something we ate”: 15 “Was it good for you?”
: 15 “Are you finished?”
: 15
TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While parking car: 212
SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn’t go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman’s journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22 Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm: not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160
Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.”I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.””My Billy used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied.”But I broke him of the habit.””How?””I hid his teeth.”
Intimate Cellmates
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, “You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you.” Joe replied.”Are you crazy?!!” Larry went on to say, “I promise you that it won’t hurt and we’ll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, “How will you tell if it hurts or not?” Larry told Joe, “If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I’ll stop. But if it feels good start singing.” Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo…. Moooooo… Mooooon River…
Worries while flying
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left.However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
I use the spoon
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant… He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room.
So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
If knees were backwards, what
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If you lick the air, does it get wet?
Germans
Q. what do you call a constipated german
A. a “farfrompooping””
“
Taliban Poetic Justice
My answer to “What to do with Bin Laden?” Well, this sounds
good to me. It would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner
will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his
release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly
capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital, and have
surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.
Then we return “her” to Afghanistan to live as a woman
under the Taliban.