The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, “How ’bout some relaxing oral sex honey… only $50… you look all uptight.”
“No way!” the man responded. “I’m married!!!”
“So???” queried the hooker.
“My wife will do it for $35.” he replied.
Author: admin
FAQs — Men — 1
Why are men such jerks?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.
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Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
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Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
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Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
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Why are men so uncommunicative?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
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Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.
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Why can’t men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
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Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
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How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
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Why can’t men just say “I love you?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.
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Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
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What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”
1 Pleas 2 I’m sorry for whatever i 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this 4 Huh? I’m sorry; I w 5 What did I forget? This should buy m 6 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
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Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Punishment by profession
Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and one man (their chief), kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber. The chief said to the first one “What is your job?” He said “I’m a fireman.” The chief said “His penis…..BURN IT OFF!” So they did and let the first one go. The chief said to the second on “What is your job?” He said “I’m a policeman.” The chief said, “His penis…..SHOOT IT OFF!” So they did an let him go, too. Then he said to the third one “What is your job?” The third one laughed and said “I’m a lollipop salesman!”
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.
The Week After Christmas
‘Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
All men say the same thing
Eleven Important Men In A Woman’s LifeHer Doctor, he says: “Take your clothes off.”Her Dentist, he says: “Open wide.”Her Veterinarian, he says: “And how is your little pussy doing today?”Her Gardener, he says: “Do you want me to mulch your bush?”Her Hairdresser, he says: “Do you want it teased or blown?”Her Remodeler, he says: “It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.”Her Milkman, he says: “Do you want it in front or in back?”Her Banker, he says: “If you take it out: you’ll lose interest.”Her TV repairman, he says: “Let me play with your knobs first.”Her Butcher, he says: “I have a hard salami for you!”Her Interior Decorator, he says: “You’ll like it once it’s in.”
You’re hired!
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.
During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.”
“Great!,” responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. “You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”
“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?”, asks the guy.
“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10…
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!”
Q. Why did the man cross the road?…
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Stuck in the fender
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from Shul one Saturday morning.
Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
“Well,” said Lenny. “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”
“Wait a minute,” Moe replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you. ‘The Other Side of the Story,’ about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving’s behavior.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”
“Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab, he’s healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis.”
“Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”
“She had one last week.”
“Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”
“She’s home.”
“Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”
“He is a doctor.”
“Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital.”
“The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”
“Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbos!”
“Of course he knows it’s Shabbos. Didn’t you see his tie? It was his paisley beige l00% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”
“Wow, you’re really observant! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”
“How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
New Sex Study
It has been determined.
The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Never hit a man with
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
It’s not hard to meet
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.