Author: admin

Bush the Post Turtle

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A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a ‘Post Turtle.'”

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a Post Turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain:

“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down.”

Mission for the President

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The President of the United States has a Top Secret Mission of the utmost importance he needs done.

He’s going over files from 3 different candidates and calls in the first one who is a Navy SEAL. On the Presidents desk is a 9mm pistol. The president says in the next room is your wife I want you to take the pistol and kill her. Navy SEAL takes the gun puts it back down on the desk and says sir I love my wife I’m sorry I cant do it and walks outs.

The President calls in the second candidate who is an Army Ranger. The president tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he want him to take the pistol and kill her. The Army Ranger gets up goes into the next room sees his wife and comes back out. He tells the President I cant do it I saw my wife and just couldnt do it cause I love her and he walks out.

Well the President calls in the last candidate who is a Marine Sniper. The President tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he wants him to take this pistol and go kill her. The Marine Sniper stands up walks into the next. A few minutes pass and the President hears a series of gunshots. Couple more minutes pass and he hears glass breaking and a woman scream.

The Marine walks out sits back down and asks the president what the mission is. Well the president still confused about all the noise asks the marine what happened in there. The Marine tells him “Well some dumbass puts blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch out.”

Signs You Have a Han

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1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.” 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets. 5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. 6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.” 9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed. 10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

Redneck quickies 11

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You might be a redneck if… Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You’ve ever been too drunk to fish. You’ve ever bought a used cap.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.

What time?

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Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

“On my way over here,” said Louise, “I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?”

Her friend Martha responed, “When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and… Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he’s soothed the pain away. You should try it!”

“I’d love to,” her friend replied. “What time does your husband get home?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Daddy Bragging

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!”