Author: admin

Word Origins — another naughty word

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In the 16th and 17th centuries, before synthetic fertilizer, large shipments of manure were commonly shipped by sea. It was dried and then shipped in order to reduce cargo weight, but once seawater soaked in, it not only became heavier, it began to decompose, producing methane gas.

Because it was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone unsuspectingly came below with a lantern was the last time in many cases.

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before they realized what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term “Ship High In Transit” on them. Meaning that the sailors were to stow it high enough off the lower decks, so that any water that flowed into the hold would not drench the manure.

Thus, evolved the term “S.H.I.T ” (Ship High In Transport), which we all know very well, explains why many things happen today. Many mistakingly thought it originated on a golf course in Scotland.

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Editor’s Note: According to Urban Legends at about.com, shit is derived from the Indo-European root skei-, meaning “to cut” or “to split.” For most of its history “shit” was spelled “shite” (and sometimes still is, euphemistically).

Doesn’t mean the ships weren’t blown to shit, though…

Tooth Fairy

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

The new medical students!

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Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of “duck waddling” down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn’t agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, “my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia.” Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, “Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!”

So Relieved!

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A blonde meets up with a friend as she’s picking up her car from the mechanic.

“Everything ok with your car now?”
“Yes, thank goodness,” the blonde replies.

“Weren’t you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!”

Viagra Quickies 3

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Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve ever used.” Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up. New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up. For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the dead! The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. It’s been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great — but you look like Don King, afterward. A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two ‘hardened criminals’. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code. Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems – they couldn’t close his coffin lid for 3 days. Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

Get a hole lot more

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Betty and Gertie are living out their twilight years in a nursing home. One day while sitting on the front verandah, Betty turned to Gertie and asked, “Gertie, do you ever miss sex?” To which Gertie replied, “Of course I do Betty, after all I’m only human.” “So what do you do to satisfy the urge?” Betty asks.”I suck on a lifesaver.” says Gertie. After thinking about this last statement for a few seconds Gertie then pipes up and asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

Bulgy Protrudy Is Wh

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This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy’s eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding — moreso now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostrate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. On a followup visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sportscar, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. “No, I’ve always taken a 15-inch neck.””But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.””Listen — I’m 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I’ve taken a 15-inch neck.””Okay, I’ll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?””What?””It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude.”