Zymurgy’s First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
Author: admin
The Top 13 Alternate Titles for “Fahrenheit 9/11” (Right-Wing Wacko version)
13> Gone With the Windbag12> Of Mike and Mayhem11> A River of Crap Runs Through It10> Unforgiven — for Having the Gall to Win the Election9> My Left Wing8> Crouching Director, Not-So-Hidden Agenda7> Here We Go Round the Moore/Kerry/Bush6> Honey, I Shrunk the Truth5> 2 Fat 2 Furious4> Saving Senator Kerry3> The Bonfire of Reality2> Hey, If THIS Doesn’t Get Me Into Streisand’s Pants, Nothing Will1> My Big Fat Geek Fretting [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Stupid Tyler
One day a girl came home with 50 dollars and her mother asked where she got it. The girl said, Two men where at school and they told me that they would pay me 50 dollars if I climb the flag pole. So the mother said Honey dont do that they Are just trying to look at your underwear. The next day she came back with 100 dollars. So she said where and it was the same thing. So the mothet said not to. The next day she came home with 500 dollars. And she asked where she got it and it was the same. She said Honey I told not to the times. But the girl said “Mommy I was smart I didn’t wear any underwear.”
Politically Correct Insults
�Receiver is off the hook .
�Several nuts short of a full pouch.
�Sky light leaks a little.
�Slinky’s kinked.
�Surfing in Nebraska .
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Milking Cows
The farmer showed the city labourer how to milk the cows and sent him into the fields. “How many did you milk?” he asked when the labourer came back. “Twenty, but there’s one thing…” “What’s that?” “I think you should have given me a bucket.”
The Law Of The Too
The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
Hard Drinkers
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s
offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still
good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking
them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me
askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first”.
Three indians and a chi
There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, “how did you get that deer?”. The indian said, “Me see track me follow track me shoot deer”. Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, “Me see track me follow track me shoot bear.” A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, “What happened to you”? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.
Redneck computer term
Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
FUNNIEST JOKE OF *ALL* TIME
One time there was a boy named Bong. Bong was chosen by the
pimp of immortality to go on the eternal quest for the holy
dildo. Bong accepted. He went to w. 67th street and confronted
the leader of the Crack Whore Gang, who in turn told him to go
to the leader of the Skank Whore Spank Gang…so Bong went to
him and was forced to use action, so he whipped out his
vibrating dildo of infuse and began rubbing his hand up and down
the shaft rapidly……and acid began shooting out of it and
killed all of the Spank Whore Spank Gang…….so Bong stole the
leaders id card and went to the White Guzzler’ Casino, where the
Cherry Blood Gang hangs out. He went up to Jason Preisly the
leader of the CBG ( Cheery Blood Gang ) and was all like YO DAWG
I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE HOLY DILDO IS YOU KNOW? and Priesly
was like FUCK NO GET AWAY and started shooting at Bong, Bong
used his special orgasmic matrix like moves and avoided the
bullets, then he used his atomic wedgie and cut Preisly in half!
Then the leader of a rival gang, known as the Teenie Weenie
Balini Gang. He was named I. M. Gay. So I.M told Bong that the
loner known as The Great Bonifer knew who had the Holy Dildo.
He also gave Bong 60942095024950245 dime bags of weed and told
him to trade it for a weapon of mass destruction. So bong
traded it for some pokemon cards, ANYWAY Bong went to The Great
Bonifer and he had to trade away his Allakhazam and Poliwrath
and…*GASP* his HOLOFOIL CHARIZARD and then the Great Bonifer
told him that the leader of the toughest gang in the city owned
the Holy Dildo……..the gang was called The Super Duper
Invincible Immortal Unstoppable Master Blaster Plaster of the
Vest and the Best and the Best Gang of all Time We Are Because
We Cant Be Beaten Because We Have Guns and All You Have Is Sex
Toys So Neer Neer Neer Neer Neer Oh Yeah and Fuck You! So then
Bong went to the leader of The Super Duper Invincible Immortal
Unstoppable Master Blaster Plaster of the Vest and the Best and
the Best Gang of all Time We Are Because We Cant Be Beaten
Because We Have Guns and All You Have Is Sex Toys So Neer Neer
Neer Neer Neer Oh Yeah and Fuck You Gang and asked for the Holy
Dildo. He said he would give it to him if he could crawl up in
his wifes pussy and stay in her womb for 20 minutes…….Bong
said EASY..but then he added “OH YEAH YOU HAVE TO DO SOME THINGS
WHILE IN THERE…… YOU HAVE TO DO 3 TASKS IN 20 MINUTES WHILE
BEING INSIDE MY WIFES WOMB……1. YOU HAVE TO BOIL AN
EGG……2. YOU HAVE TO RE CREATE THE MONA LISA IN PERFECT
DETAIL…….AND 3. YOU HAVE TO CONVERT OSAMA BIN LADEN TO
CHRISTIANITY…….Bong accepted and DID IT! He got the Holy
Dildo and married a fat chick named Anita Cokenme……THE
END!!!!!!!!
Bird Dog
Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said “Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog”. “Well then, you’re a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him”, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.”Good luck”, Joe said,”hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later”. That evening, Bob came back to Joe’s, and Joe came out to meet them. “Well, how many did you get?”, Joe asked. “We didn’t get any” Bob shouted. “That’s unbelievable” Joe exclaimed. Bob said,”Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit”.
The Perfect Gift!
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
“This is Chet,” he said, “and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.” Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer’s face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
“He needs warming up,” he said. “Lend me your cigarette lighter.”
The storekeeper lifted Chet’s left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
“That’s fantastic,” said the customer.
“And listen to this,” said the storekeeper, warming Chet’s other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
“Wrap him up,” said the customer, “I’ll take him!”
When he got home he greeted his wife: “Honey, I can’t wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.”
He unwrapped Chet’s cage and showed the bird to his wife. “Now, watch and listen.”
He raised Chet’s left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet’s right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
“Let me try it,” said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”