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A man comes home late one night, drunk.
“Where have you been?” asks his wife.
“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and
a golden urinal!”
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
“Do you have golden chairs?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have golden glasses?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have golden beer?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a golden urinal?”
“Hold on.”
On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in
your saxophone�.
A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a
new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have
been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it
with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece
of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother
again…”
your mamma was so fat as a child her parents pushed her over so she could rock herself to sleep .
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem
like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “Seventeen
people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs”. “That’s admirable,” said the judge.
“And you, how did you do?” The judge asked the second boy.
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever.” “One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you
manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
‘This small circle is your asshole before prison….'”
The other day a roommate asked if it was ok to have a priest come over and bless our common room and bathrom for some religious holiday of which I was unaware.
I said it was fine, but this has got to be one of the weirdest roommate requests I have ever received. I mean, I know our bathroom is kinda gross, but I don’t think it needs an exorcism…
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely dear” she said, “what’s the occasion?””I want to make love to you” he said simply.”Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates, and explained that he wanted to make love with her. “I’m awfully tired, honey” said his wife. “Not tonight.”Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no.Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. “How adorable Jerry” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?””These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY timesin arow?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with methirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young fellow asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
Q. Whats brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Whats worse than two possums up a tree?
A. Two trees up a possum.
Q. How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
A. You wave to him.
Q. Why did the leper leave the party?
A. People kept dipping chips into him.
Q. What do you do when someone has a fit while taking a bath?
A. Throw in the clothes washing.
Q. What do you call ten lepers in a pool?
A. Soup.
Q. What do you call an epaleptic in a tree?
A. Russel.
Q. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
A. Doug.
Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
A. Dougless.
Q. What do you call a man lying on your doorstep?
A. Matt.
Q. What do you call a lady sitting on a toothpick?
A. Olive.
Q. What do you call a lady slewn over a clothes line?
A. Peg.
Q. What do you call a lady splatted on the wall?
A. Murial.
Q. What do you call a man splatted on the wall?
A. Art.
Q. Whats worse than ten babies in a bucket?
A. One baby in ten buckets.
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”
The next day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn�t show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I�m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don�t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
President Clinton has publicly admitted that he cannot keep one of his Campaign Promises. He had promised to support Unionizing of the Secret Service. The exact amount of campaign contributions involved in exchange for this promise is unclear at this time. Now the Prez says he cannot deliver and they’re actually picketing the White House.This makes no sense at all. Q: WHAT IS THE JOB OF THE SECRET SERVICE??A: Hang around with the President and make sure nothing happens.Sounds like a Union job to me….
One day a slut was walking home from the all horny gay guy strip
club when she saw a hooker shootin’ heroine. She said “DAMN! What the HELL Is wrong with you?” The Drugie said
” Fuck you ya Bastard Bitch that sucks massive cock from ya mom’s dildo. It doesn’t make sensense does it? Well NO SHIT
ASSHOLE Slut Chokin’ condom breeding motherfucker. So guess what ya motherfucker, I’m gonna shoot the shit outa ya!
Then the SLUT said. Damn you have a colorful vocabulary. Then the drugie said ya got any tampons bitch?
There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”
Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”.
The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”