Proper dosage of VIAGRA:With new girl-no need.
With old girl,half tablet.
With mistress,one tablet.
With wife,2 tablets+blue film+beer+rum+will-power.
Author: admin
Why English is a Pain to Learn
– The bandage was wound around the wound.
– The farm was used to produce produce.
– The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
– He could lead if he would get the lead out.
– The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
– Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
– A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
– When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
– If you broke it, lost it, need it cheap or just can’t find it
anywhere else, find it at eBay!
– A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
– The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
– There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
– They were too close to the door to close it.
– The buck does funny things when the does are present.
– To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
– The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
– After a number of injections my jaw got number.
– Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
– I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
– How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
How do you mate an
How do you mate an [ethnic] male with a pig?
There are some things even a pig won’t do.
Men are like…..bank accounts
Men are like…..Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate
much interest.
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
New Born Redneck
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
Redneck Valentine
A Redneck Valentine …author unknownCollards is green my dog’s name is Blue and he’s all I know of that’s purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can. You have som’a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo’re there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can. Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’. Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s awsum,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.”Diamonds are forever,” they explain, proud an’ grand. But for this man, honey, these gifts jus’ won’t do. Cause yo’re far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!
If there was a bi-sexual
If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?
But I’m not a Giants Fan…
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
“What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan.” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!”
Letter
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,
okay?
Well, then, I’m getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It’s really a
basement room, and it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
“down there” but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Kimberly!
Saving George W. Bush
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W.
said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”
George W. said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!” George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.”
The kid replied, “I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!”
Healthcare Reform
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform
healthcare in the U.S.
as she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the
hospital to her. Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where
Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm.
The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too
late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, “What
kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?”
The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare
ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles
would swell and he would die.
Hilary accepted the doctor’s explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they
witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex.
Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
“It’s very simple Mrs. Clinton”, said the doctor. “This man suffers from the
same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan.”