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Definitions

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Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you are angry with him/her.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Pre-natal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: To whine in words.

Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.

What is Politics?

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics

now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

Unfamiliar with a term

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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”The Russian says, “What’s meat?”The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

Suspect John Mason

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Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her own kidnapping was picked up by police over the weekend.

Officials believe Jennifer may have had cold feet about her wedding that was about to take place.

For a few days last week, police thought her fiancé John Mason was a suspect in her disappearance.

Come on, you knew he was innocent; no one thinks about killing their wife until after they’ve been married a few weeks.

Flying

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There’s a Polish guy, an American guy, and a Canadian guy. They get a note in the mail telling each of them to go to the top of the empire state building as soon as they got the letter. (They all got it at the same time).

So they all go up there.

When they arrive they see a wizard standing before their eyes! The wizard tells them to say what they want to do for their dream job.

So the polish guy says I want to be a pilot. so the wizard says. “ok now say, I want to be a pilot, and jump off the building and you will be flying away.”

So the Polish guy says “I want to be a pilot” and jumps off the building. And he was all of a sudden in an airplane flying it!

So, the American guy does the same thing except he wants to be an astronaut. So the American guy says to the wizard “I want to be an astrounaut” and then he jumps off the building. And all of a sudden he is in a space craft on his way to space!

So, the Canadian has the same procedure does the same thing. But, when he walks up to get ready to jump he trips and says “SHIT”, and guess what he turned into!!!

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

Out on a limb

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as
he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.