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One day, Sally and her mother were washing dishes. Susie noticed that her mother was starting to get a few white hairs.
“Mommy, Why do you have so many white hairs?” Sally asked?
“Well, when you do something bad or hurt my feelings, I get another white hair.” her mom replied.
“Oh!” Sally said.
She thought for a few minutes, got a puzzled look on her face and then asked her mother, “Why is Grandma’s hair all white?”
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Real Estate Definitions
How did the light get to have sex?
Who gives a shit! Fuck off!
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven’s gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.
“Come on!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?”
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
One day a man and a woman went out to buy the television set hey had dreamed
of. The television had a wood covering, and knobs could only change the
channels. They bought it and were overly excited. So when they came home, they
found that they had a small TV in their addict. Then, they put the small TV on
top of the large one, the old woman said…” o man, what can you do when ur a
redneck with two TVs!!!!!”
blonde: whats brown and sticky.
Red: poop.
blonde: no, a stick.
A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.”Oh, sherry by all means!” she replied.”Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I’m carried into another world.””Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”
your mamma so dumb she got locked in wal-mart and still starved to death!