After the funeral, the priest said, “I don’t think you will ever find
another women like you late wife.”
And the husband replied “Who’s gonna look?”
Author: admin
How unfair?
This is a long one so I apologise now!
3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them
‘Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?’
‘yes’ answer the men
‘ok’ says Peter and he turns to the first man. ‘Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???’
‘Well’ said the first man ‘I must admit I’ve had an affair 5 times’
‘You get a bicycle then’ said Peter and off the man goes into heaven
The second man answers, ‘I’ve had an affair 2 times’ and so he gets a mini and goes off into heaven
Finally the last man answers ‘I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife’ and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.
A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.
‘What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car?’ asks the first man.
‘It’s not that, I think that’s great’ says the man crying, ‘it’s just that I’ve just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!’
Knock KnockWho’s there?Sherwood!Sherwood who!Sherwood like
Knock KnockWho’s there?Sherwood!Sherwood who!Sherwood like to come in!
The monks in the Himalayas
Three monks were meditating in the Himalayas to be away from the maddening crowds. One year passed in silence and the first monk said, ‘Pretty cold here.’ Another year passed in silence and the second one said, ‘You know, you’re quite right.’ Another year passed and the third one said, ‘Look, I’m gonna quit unless you two stop bitching!’
Pretty Dress
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the children’s sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a Bitch to iron.”
Offender
Officer: “And you still insist you’re innocent, in spite of the fact that we
have six witnesses to the crime?”
Offender: “If it’s witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn’t
see me steal the stuff.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Thaddeus!Thaddeus who?To be
Knock KnockWho’s there?Thaddeus!Thaddeus who?To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!
Teddy Bear
I lost my teddy bear. Can i sleep with you instead?
Horny Mosquitos
Three horny Mosquitos named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking about who could screw the hottest lightning bug.
Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.
John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike’s lightning bug.
Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his penis out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn’t look happy.
Mike asks “What’s wrong, did she slap you?”
Chuck says “No”
John asks ” Did she kick you?”
Chuck says “No, I think she was a cigarette”.
Give
If the blood bank says “Give Blood”, then what does the sperm bank say?
“Give Head”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the…
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive
blonde lady comes in and want to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
And she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m
completely nude.”
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while
yelling, “Mama needs new clothes.” Then she yells, “Yes, yes, yes!! I won,
I won, I won.”
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she
picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just
stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll, anyway?”
The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching.”
Seatbelt
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She
asked, “Do I click the square?” I said yes.
She then asked me, “Single click or double click?”