Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, don’t do that.
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Buying Jesus a Drink
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”
Blonde on computer
How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
White-out on the screen!
How can you tell she’s made the corrections?
She wrote over the white out!
Facelift 2
This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.
After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.
The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor’s office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.
The doctor replied, “Lady those aren’t bags, they’re your tits and if you don’t stop turning those screws you’re going to have a beard!”
Debido al fallecimiento del abuelo
Debido al fallecimiento del abuelo a los 95 a�os, el joven Camilo fue a dar el p�same a su abuela de 90 a�os. Camilo llega y encuentra a la anciana llorando y la consuela. Un rato despu�s, ya m�s calmada, el nieto aprovecha y le pregunta:
“Dime, abuelita �c�mo muri� el abuelo?”
“Fue haciendo el amor”, le confiesa la mujer.
Camilo, horrorizado, le replica que las personas de 90 a�os o m�s no deber�an tener sexo porque es muy peligroso. Pero la abuela le aclara:
“Lo hac�amos solamente los domingos, desde hace cinco a�os, con mucha calma, al comp�s de las campanadas de la iglesia. Ding para meterlo y dong para sacarlo… “�Si no fuera por el hijoeputa del carrito de helados, el abuelo estar�a vivo!”
Q: How many Dylan
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
Join The Line
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about fifty metres behind. Behind the
second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a lead. Behind him
was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn’t stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, ‘I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’
The man replied, ‘Well, that first hearse is my wife.’
‘What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’
He inquired further, ‘Well, who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.’ A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between
the two men. ‘Can I borrow the dog?’ ‘Yeah, Join the queue.’
The heart of the matter
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options
were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering
that money was no object.
“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old
kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25
years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The
third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.”
“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”
“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”
Cross-Eyed Dog
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?”
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.
“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.
Santa’s problem
Why can’t Santa Clause have kids?
Because he only cums once a year.
Trombone joke
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
Disneyland and Viagra
What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?
You wait one hour for a two minute ride!