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Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling amorous, nudges his
wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have
an appointment at the gynocologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like
to make love the night before.” “Alright”, he said, and he rolled back
over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t
by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”
Did you hear why the fag put his ass in the refrigerator?
So that his boyfriend would have something cool to slip into when he came home.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
There was a man who just had been bashed up outside a night club,when he awoke he was in hospital with tubes in his arms and an oxygen mask on.
Just then a hot looking nurse came in and started to check his IV and tubes in his arms.
Then he moaned, “ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?”
“Pardon?” said the nurse.
“ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?”
“Sorry,” she said. “I’m not qualified to check that.”
Again he says, “ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?”
Feeling sorry for him she says OK she’ll check.
She picks them up and examines them and his penis then covers them up.
“Nope,” she says, “there all OK”.
He slowly reaches up takes off his oxygen mask and says, “THAT WAS VERY NICE DEAR BUT ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
They’ve been eating Thai food since Christmas.
Clinton’s favorite instrument is not the saxophone.
Its the whore-monica.
ok, so a guy says to a girl:
“Wanna play Pearl Harbor? That’s where I lie back as you blow
the hell out of me.”
there was this guy that couldnt talk so he went to school and learned how to say yes.he went to a restrant and he learned how to say forks and knives forks and knives.he saw a comercial for an air freashiner and he learned to say plug it in plug it in. and then one day a cop comes up to him and says did you kill this man and he says yes how and what did you kill him with forks and knives forks and knives.ok bub your going in the electric chair plug it in plug it in. im sorry if it offended any mutes or dumb people but i think this joke is funny!
On a bumper sticker:
Hang up and drive.
A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?””I was in bed.””What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?” “Getting a second opinion.”
DAD – Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON – What’s up, Dad?
DAD – There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON – I don’t believe; if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.
DAD – Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON – Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD – But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON – Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD – Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?
SON – Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD – So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON – No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD – But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON – Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD – So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON – No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?” From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD – Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON – From The President of the United States.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the
Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of
Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates only if they can answer one simple question. The
question posed by St. Peter is – “What is Easter”?
The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the
holiday in November when we all get together, eat
turkey and are thankful.”
“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You
must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter. Then
he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same
question – “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head
on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s
wrong and will have to join her friend in the other
place, she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and
asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St.
Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was
later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of
his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and
he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which
was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues…”Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of
winter!”
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom
says to his bride, “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can’t get enough of it. you’ll probably
never see me on the weekends.”
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, “Honey I have a confession
also…I’m a hooker.”
“No problem.” Replied the groom, “Just keep your left arm straight and keep
that head down. Yu’ll be hitting them straight in no time.”