Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…” Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Author: admin
Cannibal spider
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife?
He was an anteater.
SKI SEASON TIPS
Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
– Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
– Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you
go to bed each night.
– If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
– Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now.
– Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.
– Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice
and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
– Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
– Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.
– Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.
– Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
– Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and
you’re following an 18 wheeler.
– Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
– Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
– Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
– Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the
real thing.
GOD’s New Commandment!
NEWS FLASH – GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded
that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an
eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the
wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the
same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their
brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should
be:
“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”
One Too Many
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Installing XP
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE’RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE “ANTI-TRUST” NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I’m using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn’t working with the mother board then I can’t very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn’t…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON’T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don’t have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don’t.
WHAT’S THAT THEN?
It’s a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN’T.
Yes it is.
YOU’RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I’ll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN’T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT’S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN’T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I’LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT’S WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU’RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT’S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU’RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….
C:>
Biology class
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, “Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, “That’s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.”
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, “Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?”
Little Johnny countered by saying, “That’s because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy’s balls.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
You might be a redne
You’re a redneck if… -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?” -You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.” -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
Nuts
What is the difference in price of Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts cost about $3.00 per can, and Deer Nuts are under a Buck!
Deer Tracks?
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They
stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, “Those are
deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our
prey.” The second lawyer responded,� Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are
out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.” Each attorney
believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to
their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
YO MOMMA
YO MOMMA….. IS LIKE A TV EVEN A THREE YEAR OLD CAN TURN HER ON
Buying Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”