These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Author: admin
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Betty Currie, the President’s personal secretary
What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President’s personal secretary, use to
let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit?”
“Your Jew’s harpist is here to play ‘Hail to the Chief.'”
Oz
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard
of OZ.
When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill
asked “where’s Dorothy?”
You’re not drunk if you
You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Older Womans problem
Woman: I have a problem.
Doctor: Well, are you regular?
Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.
Doctor: So, what’s the problem?
Woman: I don’t get up until 9:30!
Old barn
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.
With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green.
Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”
“No,” the man replies, “last time I did that I got two over par.”
Wedding service
A young couple meets with their priest about their upcoming wedding.
When he asks whether they prefer a contemporary or a traditional service, they opt for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm hits as the groom is walking to the church. The streets are flooded, so he rolls his pant legs up to his knees to keep his trousers dry.
He finally reaches the church and is standing at the altar, breathless, just as the ceremony is about to begin.
The priest leans toward him and whispers, �Pull down your pants.�
�Uh, Father, I�ve changed my mind,� the groom responds. �I think I would prefer the traditional service.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and yisman
Lawyer and Drunk
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. “Well” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.” “Let me have it” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” “From my nose” the drunk replied.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Donovan!Donovan who?Donovan know
Knock KnockWho’s there?Donovan!Donovan who?Donovan know your own name!
An IBM acronym
IBM: Identical Blue Men
Palm Reading
A guy was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader’s table.The mysterious old woman said, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”He readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.””That’s true,” he said.”Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?””Yes,” he shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?””Love line? No, from the calluses.”