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The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
“What’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
“It’s Snow — Roy Snow,” he answered, “and yours?”
“Me, I’m June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
“Oh, I was just thinkin’ what it might be like,” he drawled, “having eight inches of Snow in June?”
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love
my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a
tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he
sobbed.A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And
my god, your left arm is gone!”The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My
Rolex!”
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not
knowing where he was, left not knowing where he’d been, and did it all on
borrowed money.
This guy’s in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, “Ballroom please.” A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
This just in:
A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated –
“I want to leave no tern unstoned”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ?Hurry!? she said. ?Stand in the corner.? She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ?Don?t move until I tell you to,? she whispered. ?Just pretend you?re a statue.?
?What?s this, honey?? the husband inquired as he entered the room. ?Oh, it?s just a statue,? she replied nonchalantly. ?The Smith?s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.? No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two o? clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ?Here,? he said to the ?statue,? ?Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths? for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.?
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
God created Woman and she had 3 breasts.
He then asked the woman, “Is there anything you’d like to have changed?”
She replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?”
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”
And God created Man.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The
bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my goodness!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and
St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
� Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter
are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The old man said, “Shoo, you brat!
Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!”
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you,
one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve
been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And
one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the
fence, and we’ll be done.”
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandy’s.
One questions the other two, “listen, it’s our wedding night and I was wondering – how many times are we expected to…um…you know…. do it” The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual 2 pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, “Hold on lads, we can’t discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.”
“No you’re right. What we’ll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that’ll be the amount times we did it” offers another groom. They all decide it’s an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that’s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, “Hello, I’ll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please”. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, “I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast” The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.
The waitress gets to the last groom “I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have…” he takes a deep breath “SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST” he calls for everyone’s benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.
“Seven pieces of toast sir?” queries the waitress. “Why, that’s an awful lot”
“Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.” She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again
“And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?”
A man is going on a business trip to New Orleans and has to take his wife. So
they catch the plane there. And as soon as they arrive the man gets called back,
and to be nice to his wife he tells her to stay and enjoy her vacation. So the
day before the man is scheduled to leave him starts thinking what if she cheats
on me out of boredom, so he decides to go to the sex shop and bye her toy. When
he arrives he asks the manager if he has anything really special. So the manager
tells him that he does have a really old dildo with magical powers, and the man
replies yeah right. So the manager says voodoo dick the door and the dildo gets
up and flees at the door and starts pecking at it, then the manager says voodoo
dick box and the dildo flies back into its box. The man instantly replies I�ll
take it, but the manager replies it is not for sale, but u can rent it. So the
man takes it to his wife and tells her the story, but she doesn’t believe him
either, so the man replies voodoo dick the water melon. The dildo goes flying
into the water melon. The wife is so happy about her present she makes
passionate love to her husband. The next day the husband leaves. After a few
days the wife starts getting board and decides to use her present. So she says
voodoo dick my pussy, so the dildo does what it is told and goes into her
vagina. After a while the woman realizes she doesn’t know how to turn it off. So
she gets in her car and heads for the hospital, on the way she is having so many
orgasms that she is swerving all over the road. after a while she gets pulled
over by a cop, and the cop says why are u driving like a maniac, and the woman
replies well there is this voodoo dick, and it is giving me orgasms, and all of
a sudden the cop shouts VOODO DICK MY ASS!!!