Author: admin

A mother and a father were fighting calling each other bitches and bastards. When there 5 year old son walked in and asked what bitches and bastards meant. The parents said it was a very nice way to say ladies and gentlemen.

The next day the parents were feeling horny and were saying boobs and dicks. Their son walked in and asked what it meant. They replied it means coat and hats.

The next day was thanksgiving and the father was shaving, he cut himself and yelled shit! The son walked in and asked what it meant. The father replied its the brand of shaving creme.
That same day the mother was cutting the turkey and she cut herself. She yelled FUCK!! The son walked in and asked what it meant. The mother replied it meant cutting the turkey.

The doorbell rang and the boy opened the door. The boy announced, “Good evening Bitches and Bastards, please hang up your boobs and dicks on the coat rack while my dad is wiping the shit off his face and my mother is fucking the turkey.”

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s.

The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”

“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.” So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, and apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a “Happy Birthday”!!!

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m done for.” There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: “No you’re NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: “Okay… NOW you’re done for!”